The One With The Friends Reference in the Title

The following is the next installment of my 9 thousand part series of delineating and classifying subspecies of human beings. In the past we have looked at different types of female humans and male humans.
This time around I thought we would discuss the different types of friends that exist in the world.
Those of you expecting a retrospective of the best television show to ever feature Matt Leblanc should go here. (this is likely to never get old for me.

Those expecting a biting commentary on how we classify our friend type relationships should hang out for a bit and see if that is what I end up doing.

The very first category of friend is the

Fair Weather Friend.

This is the type of friend that loves to hang out, when there is plenty of booze, plenty of weed, plenty of food, or even just plenty of good news. When you are flush, this friend is right by your side every step of the way. They will be your confidant, your advisor, your priest, your party down buddy. One small problem. The instant it rains, they are out of sight. They run faster than they have ever run in their lives to get away from you when either the money runs out, or you have to deal with something in the real world.

This is a great friend to have when you are feeling good because they bring a little something extra to the party. They are the ones with the great stories, and usually a lampshade on their head by the end of the night. If you are bored, and can supply this person with fuel, there is no telling how many hookers are going to be passed out in the bathroom of your Montreal hotel room when you come to.

You cannot rely on this person for anything. They would love to help you move, unfortunately they have to be out of town that weekend. Oh damn, need a lift to the airport, would broh but my car has a bad alternator.

The only good news here is that while they would definitely not give you a kidney, you most likely don`t want one of their kidney`s anyway.

The Rainy Day Friend

This person is the exact opposite of the consummate party friend This person is always there for you when you need a hug. If life has gotten you down, then they are there to pick you up. They always have a kind thing to say to you, and they always think you are an amazing person.

Sounds good so far right? One small problem, if you aren't currently in crisis, the chances of seeing this person, or even talking to them are slim. They are definitely the out of sight out of mind people. On a certain level you kind of think of them as narcissistic, yet when push comes to shove, they drop everything and run to your side.

Unlike the fair weather friend, these people always have an umbrella for you, and are completely willing to give you one of their kidneys, but chances are you can't meet for drinks or get your calls returned.

We're Just Friends Friend

This is a frustrating friend. This is an aggravating friend. This is a person whom you find very attractive, whom you seem to click with but who seems to be not interested in you that way. You end up as friends and you can't get yourself out of it. Try as you might you can't get rid of the person, nor can you stand to hear about how their new boyfriend or girlfriend is so hot but they treat your friend like shit.

You know you have this type of friend if you have ever heard the phrase "I don't think of you like that." This is code for, the thought of sex with you makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.


This is a tough friendship to get out of, and sometimes you never do, forever destined to pine for the one you think should be yours, yet never seems to think you are attractive enough for them. They tend to rely on you heavily for friendship so there's no way out of it unless you are a dick....hey maybe if you treat them poorly they will see you as a catch!

The Train Wreck Friend

This is a harsh friend to have. You know they are spiraling out of control and their is nothing you can do for them. They have stepped out of a comfortable reality and decided that chaos is the way to live life. They have lost jobs, or can't hold them. This person can't really hold down friendships very well, but like Luke Skywalker you can still sense the good in them..

You want to salvage the friendship, or at least hang in there long enough in hopes that they will get back on track; however, everything you've done has backfired and they are just free falling.

The only thing you can do for this friend is hang out until the hit rock bottom. Nibble around the edges of their life, just enough to remind them you are there. Maybe when they come to they will see your outstretched hand and you can be friends again.

The Sheltered Friend

This friend is far too annoying to really want to hang around for any length of time, and I will tell you why, they have never lived. They live vicariously through you and books. They spend way too much time fantasizing and not enough time living.

This person wants to be shocked by you banging hookers in Thailand or Drinking from the firehose. This person wants to compare the differences in your life like it is some kind of science experiment.

The only reason to keep this person around is to find out at which point they gasp in shock and feint. It can be a fun experiment to be sure.

This person will frustrate you because they are scared of everything. They never want to try that crazy Italian restaurant and they certainly won't give up on anything and will always make the safe play.

The Best Friend

There is no picture for this one because there is no thousand words that can describe this relationship. You know all the sayings; your friend will help you move, your best friend will help you move a body and so on.

I am reminded of meatloaf (mmmm meatloaf) who sang some horrible line about how he would do anything for love, but he won't do that. Well your best friend will do that.

Your best friend is the one who finishes your sentences. Your best friend is the one who can hear in your voice what you are feeling, see in your eye what you are thinking and reach in to your heart and mess around a bit.

This is the kind of friendship that all other relationships are built on. Without a person who cares about you like this, you can't form a love connection. Everything else is just lust, and lust fades and all you are left with is a person you don't really know.

Your best friend is the one that has always, and will always be there for you. They don't know why, they just are. They can't describe it, wouldn't want to if they could. It is a relationship that defies real words. The truly lucky are those who are in love with their best friend because that level of intimacy is hard to find in anything else.

This is what love looks like when you strip down the lust and cravings for validation.

Your best friend validates you always because they see you as you truly are and they don't care. They want to be with that person.

So often I have ripped off greater thinkers than I to show you the different types of love, the lustful, the unconditional and the familial. True love is all these things. It is romance, it is unconditional and it is a bond that never breaks.

Think about that the next time you are at the bar and the Situation hits on you while another sits quietly in the corner.

Lust fades, love lasts, and best friends are forever.

But I am a ridiculous romantic like that.