Political Indigestion

I need to warn you right out of the gate that this is going to be about politics.....get the hell back here and let me finish!

Though I am going to be discussing politics, I am going to be mostly making fun of people, lots of people, every kind of people, so it's ok.

Recently, due to the vagaries of a multi partied system that is not unlike a Thanksgiving feast at your in laws, loud, untamed and lacking any semblance of agreement on anything, our government has fallen.

This tends to happen when one party does not hold a majority of the seats. Simple math, imagine America where you have two parties, no one can govern without more seats than the other. Now add in a half dozen other parties taking seats away from both parties. It is possible to have more seats than everyone else, but still not have more seats than everyone else. In this scenario, you need to get one of your crazy drunk cousins to agree with you on something. If you can't then you have to go home, dust yourself off and get ready for Christmas, and do it all over again.

Since this is what happened here in my lovely country, we are going to be having an election. Unlike the American elections, which happen on a specific schedule, ours kind of just spring up out of nowhere. Less time to prepare, and certainly less time to hear about how the other team likes young boys and was born in Africa.

Having said all of that, I present to you the political parties of Canada in all of their unglory.

The Conservative Party.

These people make republicans look like right wing loonies....wait that doesn't make sense. Ok to be fair, our conservatives are a little more like American centrists. While they believe in smaller government and less corporate taxes, they also believe in health care and good government spending. They are the front runners right now but they are doing it much the same way Republicans do it, through fear.

Think of these people sort of like the Sith. They do everything from a place of emotion, but their emotional range is kind of restricted to fear, greed and lust for power. They want to build supermax prisons, charge 9 year olds with murder and buy some stealth fighters. WTF does Canada need with stealth fighters? No one appears to be attacking us, and our traditional role in the world is that of peace keeper. The last thing you want as a peacekeeper is to be unseen.

Peacekeepers need a giant frigging sign lit in neon saying hey look, we want you to knock it off and hug it out!

The major problem with this party is their refusal to see the future. As is the case with so many corporate entities, they are stuck on old models and outdated thinking to get a head. Nothing about their plan says future, just more of the same.

The Liberal Party.

I can sum this entire party up in one sentence. Here it comes.

This party's great idea of a policy meeting with the public is a wine tasting party.

What are you guys trying to look out of touch with 90% of the country? A wine and cheese mixer is not really the way to get people on board with your policies, it is just something faculty member do to feel classy and sophisticated, like European nobility.

his is Canada, try a beer bash where you watch the hockey game and then afterwards talk about policy crap.

These people are out of sync, and half their platform is the other guy is a jerk. Not helpful.

The Bloc Quebecois.

These people want to separate from Canada and form the new Country of Quebec. Or at least that's what they say they want. What they really want is to make Dad angry by disagreeing with whatever Dad likes. They are pissed off and want attention.

At a certain point we should probably stop giving it to them and make them go to rehab, where they can get the counselling they need.


The NDP

Look guys, socialists. These are the people that Bill O'Reilly is always bitching about. These people want free abortions for 12 year old Lolitas and free care for your rich grandmother.

They also want more union jobs, a whole whackload of government programs, and they want to raise taxes to get it.

They did finally wise up and say they just want to raise corporate taxes, not you know, the people's taxes, which is how they have gained some popularity.

Guess how many corporate donations they got last year? Yeah, pretty much the same as I got when I ran as the Jedi party.

They aren't bad people, but they seem to have reached the tipping point of support. Canada wants them around because they keep the other parties from gutting health care and erasing our pensions, but no one wants them to actually govern.

The Green Party.


Dirty hippies.

Seriously, damn dirty hippies.

I know what you're thinking, how can a single issue get you elected? It can't. Back in the day these people had no idea about anything that did not involve the environment or granola. It seems they have wizened up.

They have enough pull now to be considered a real political party, fielding candidates in every riding in the country. That sounds impressive, but my guess is some of the people running are actually liberals and socialists that didn't make the other parties cut. Nothing like playing for the B team.

I have to hand it to them though, they are the only party saying stuff about real innovation and future blah blah. They have their eye on the future, but they seem to think it involves sharing circles and community gardens.

They are actually right about this crap, but they are about ten years to early still to gain real traction.

It's hard to take someone in burlap seriously.

So these are the decisions we are faced with up here in the great white north.

The Sith, professors in sweater vests, union bosses, angry french people or hippies.

Not a lot of choice decisions there huh?

Ok maybe then you might want to vote on the leaders.

Stephen Harper - Conservative.

This fine gentleman wears a suit in the jacuzzi. He also has a fake smile that just screams trust me with your money, I dare you!

He reminds me of a televangelist in the sense that you don't understand what he is saying, but you believe he believes it, so you might as well give him your life's savings.

I don't suspect he is doing blow off of male hookers, but there is something he is doing that he is not telling us, perhaps it has something to do with the stealth fighters he wants to buy.

Michael Ignatief - Liberal.

He looks like your social studies teacher. The one tat wants you to call him Mike. Go ahead, you can trust him. He's not working for the man, he's trying to change the system.

The reality is, he is probably lying to you and just preforming a research project for his doctoral thesis, and non of this matters to him beyond what he gets out of it.

I suspect him of wanting to watch us like lab rats, and of using classical conditioning on us.

I think it has something to do with the fact he goes on television, and rather than saying what he stands for he just says what he doesn't like about the other guy.

Jack Layton - NDP

What is it with socialists and the mustache?

He looks a lot like Canada's version of a despot. Pasty white, bright blue eyes and a bushy stache that just screams I like to dance!

I am not sure why but I get that uncle who wants you to sit on his lap vibe off of him. I am sure he is a nice guy and all, but I am just not in to it.

Random Venom Spitting French Guy - Bloc.

I think it is still Gille Duceppe or whatever running that clown show, but I am afraid of being put on some watch list of anti government terrorists for going to their website.

I have no idea what he really stands for, but I think he is liberal. Oh and he wants to start a new country.

At a certain point I wanted to say to him, ok, here's some tough love. Go ahead. And then turn the lights out on him and walk away. Just cut his funding down to zero, cut off all aid and support and tell him to go out and find someone to help. Guess how far you are going to get?

The only issue I have with this is that America would own the new country inside of about 11 minutes. Them or China.

I mean really man, how far are you going to get without anything of value to trade? You have zero strategic importance, limited resources, and Canada own most of your electricity. You have no financial reserve of hard currency and limited relations with the rest of the world, cause no one will talk to you, because you are just a province.

I also look at this guy and get that tired old man who is smarter than everyone around him, but no one will listen because he has that one crazy thing he believes in.

Kind of like if you had an uncle who was in to Scientology, but also knew how to fix every problem you have, but you just can't listen to him because he believes Aliens have built everything and we are all controlled by little wizdings in our blood.

You can see him visibly slump and sigh whenever the other leaders are talking like he wants to say, you idiots, it's really simple we just have to, but he knows no one is going to listen, so he just sits there shaking his head waiting for his wife to tell him he can go home.

Elizabeth Moonbeam Lovechild Scooter McRosepetal Grey - Hippy

I would listen to her if she would stop dressing like a business woman and get down to the real thing. I want to see some burlap and hemp clothes, smell some pecculi, hear some bob marley and eat some granola.

You are trying to start a hippy revolution not convince the board to invest in windmills dammit.

There you have my thoughts on Canadian politics.

I promise something better tomorrow.