Man Danglers

Running a bit late today, and maybe that is a good thing. I thought I was going to riff on seeing some dorkstick painting snow... serriously, our tax money at work; however, it occurred to me that it would have sounded hollow coming from me.

You think this is true mostly because my heart and mind wouldn't be in it. I had one of those conversations that a person has that at the time seem meandering and relatively without consequence.

I am famous for my philosophizing, my incessant need to question and examine. Hell, one of my better friendships is based on doing this when I probably should have been working. It got to the point where the boss actually would say something about us philosophizing in the hallways.

The point is, I am never happy with the surface of something, and rarely happy with an sort of lack of discussion on something.

This conversation was about something I have no right to discuss in any way. Love.

It's one of those topics that everyone has an opinion on, and some even get rich of their ridiculous notions.

Gear not intrepid reader, this is not about love, and I am never ever going to get rich off of my minuscule understanding of life's great prize.

This actually started me thinking about something. Mostly, why the hell am I not feeling the goodness of the love. This led me to think in the physical realm for a short period of time, but then I realised, hey some people love pugs, so beauty is not really a factor.

So is it that I am not a man?

Yeah I know, where did that come from, right? Sometimes it is better not to ask how my brain gets somewhere, lest we get sucked in to a vortex of nutbariness. In this case we should probably just say, in order to be in love, and be loved, you kinda gotta be a grown up. Kids get caught up in other emotions, lust, anger, jealousy and other things Yoda disapproves of.

A man can move beyond these things. A man has the knowledge and the wisdom. The temperment to utilize these things, and the strength to not back down from them.

In many ways, I am still a boy. In many ways I am still that scared little boy under the park bench waiting for someone to kill me. I recently had the chance to discuss the stages of development as theorized by Eikson. These stages discuss how someone learns and moves on to the next stage of life. The important part therapeutically speaking of his idea is that when one does not pass through the stage properly, they become stuck in life and cannot truly grow and mature.

I bring this up because I am wondering if I am really a man, and what really makes a man anyway.

I talked of strength, and to be sure, strength is not my problem...or is it. I am a very powerfully built human being. A gift I suppose that has helped me survive in many instances that surely should have destroyed me. But what use does that strength have? I can no longer use it to make money, so it kind of becomes useless.

True strength though is about strength of character, self discipline and the ability to beat yourself up when necessary.

I think this is the strength that any of my so called father figures failed to impart to me. Oh sure, I am stubborn, and that provides a certain amount of strength. If I say, something is going to be some way or another, then that is simply the way it is going to be for me. It's how I kicked drugs. I merely said, nah this is not how I am going to be any more. And for the most part, it was, and is that way.

What I was never taught though, what my Miyagi's never got through to me, or in some cases never bothered to impart in any way, was self discipline to attain things.

I have the appropriate sensibilities about woman, and proper behaviour, but I lack the stickwithitness that many find so sexy.

Mostly this has been about a lack of motivation. Never having the foresight to see the value in anything allows me the freedom to act like a child. This is not what being a man is all about.

Taking action when action is needed is easy. I am the type of protector and giver that will save and protect you from anything if I want to, but it is the fact that I can never promise the world that keeps me from doing anything proactive.

Think of it this way, Christians act nice because they are going to heaven. Tell them that God's plan for them is eternal suffering because he loves them is not gonna get you many god botherers.

Telling a man, if he man's up he is going to get what he wants, and most men will nose up to that old grindstone. Not me.

You can promise me the world if I just do this that or the other thing, and I will say to you, sounds great, give me a taste to prove you are telling the truth. I lack all faith. We could examine all of the broken promises in my life that has led me to this belief structure, but this is not about that. This is about me complaining about not having what I want.

On a certain level, this is about me wondering what a man has to do.

I never had that instruction. I never saw what a true man is. I only saw what not to do. What does a man do when he lacks all context for how to go about this life thing as a true man.

Like every other shlub out there, I want the American dream. The beautiful home, where the beautiful wife sits with me and stares out the window at the beautiful scenery. Don't know how to get it, wouldn't know what to do once I got it.

I guess what I am saying then is, like most of you, I don't have a clue. Life's instruction manual appears to be written in Sanskrit or Chinese, or Spanish, or some language only the crazy people are confident in knowing how to read....yeah I am looking at you charlie sheen, after all you are winning!

Since I don't have the answers, here is what I offer.

Adventure.

Come with me and explore this vast world with me. Learn with me. Try things, taste new things, ttry different ways and see what works and what doesn't/

I can't promise it will be easy. I can't promise it won't hurt sometimes.

I can promise it will be exciting. I can promise that it will be a learning experience full of new sights, sounds, smells and sensations.

It won't be predictable, but life shouldn't be. Life shouldn't be lived in routine. If it is, you aren't trying.

Live to live with me, and stop living to die.