A while back I wrote what has become one of my favorite blog posts about women. It is also my most often praised post, with no fewer than 3....that's right three people saying they liked it. I have decided to go back to that well for my first post since being sick.
Remember, it has been a while, so be gentle as I feel my way back in to this.
Dudes.
This is a fairly easy to identify group of males. They smell like a mixture of booze, cologne, barf, and evil. They will mistreat you, no matter what gender you are. Their sole purpose in life is to be entertained, and sadly, at this stage in their development they are in fact only entertained by the shame and degradation of others. They will perform wild drunken acts of seeming bravery and daring if provoked. Note: Provoking merely means saying I double dare ya!.
They cannot be reasoned with, they cannot be stopped. They will use you for fun and then throw you away.
This type of male is immensely proficient in sexual conquest as they are also generally the best looking of the male gender, in a narrow way.
Use extreme caution when approaching as they may in fact puke on you.
Boys.
This is the most deceptive form of male. They may be doctors, lawyerrs, writers, actors, firemen, etc. but they are actually still boys. For whatever reason, their growth as human beings has been stunted. They are stuck in grade 8.
These type of males find farts funny
These males have responsible jobs but forget where they left the car keys. They can perform open heart surgery but have no idea how to work a vacuum. They need you to baby them, not because they are meek, but because they just don't know how to be an adult.
Caution: Do not let this type of male get sick.....it is pathetic.
Brohs.
This is your typical guys guy. They are fit, they are in to sports, and they will help you move a couch. The most important thing to understand here is that they are just not that in to you. They are for the most part nice, and will treat you like a brother or sister, but they will not do anything else.
These males are fixated on just hanging out. They may play video games, they may want to have a beer, they may want to work on cars, but they do not want to hold your hand or talk about feelings...or really anything that doesn't have to do with rbi's or the infield fly rule.
Caution: There is a subset of this group called the dudebroh. The thing about the dudebroh is that they are dudes in broh clothing. They seem more mature, and are less drunk, but they still won't call you in the morning.
Gentlemen.
Polite, well mannered, and thoroughly corrupt, these are the males you see dressed to impress and heading to their power broker jobs. They seem perfect, mainly because they are holding up a facade. They have no remorse and they will not treat you as anything more than a means to an end.
These males tend towards the decadent, and I don't mean president's choice cookies.
Caution: Most of these males have a dark side. It may range from wanting you to dress up as wonderwoman and whip them to wanting to taste your entrails. You can never be too sure about their intentions because they mask them with fine howdayado's.
Men.
These are the most rare and elusive of males. They are average, everyday guys you see walking around, yet there is something special about them.
They are not perfect. They will leave the seat up. They will also apologize and try harder next time.
They sometimes laugh at the wrong time, but they always return to being serious when needed.
They are responsible, yet enjoy a nice beer.
These males will call you. They will not play games, and they will respect you in the morning.
They have reached a level of maturity that realizes life is too short to be serious all the time, and that life is worth living well.
You can count on these dude.
Caution: All other types of males will pretend to be this type to get you naked. You can tell the real from the fake by whether or not they are nice about it. There is also one other method of discernment. Men will never laugh at the misfortune of others. They just shake their heads, give a wry smile and say damn.
That's all I got for today. Not award winning, but hey, first time back in a long time, gotta start slow. When next we meet I will most likely be alienating millions of people and drawing a line in the sand.
No comments:
Post a Comment