Light and Fluffy

So, I decided that I didn't want to put presure on myself today and actually write more on the piecework fiction project.

This wasd a horrible decision that appears to have backfired tremendously. Turns out, the presure to do something worth reading is much greater than the presure to write something cohesive.

I was chatting with a crazy person, which is of course never recomended, but I figured it would be ok because I am a bit crazy so it couldn't be all bad.

Well, I mentioned I had to figure out what to write about. Her fabulous and overwhelmingly useful suggestion? Something light and fluffy.

What does that even mean? Does that mean I should write about a miniature fat dude who is crazy? No wait, that's who she thinks I am. Ok maybe she meant....oh who I am kidding. I have no freaking idea what she meant.

I don't think I am built that way. I am just not light and fluffy. I want to be, but even the stuff I joke around about are actual issues we are trying to deal with in this world.

I would like to be the kind of person who can just let his mind wander, and wonder. The kind of person who can go to the same job, screw in the same bolt day in and day out. Come home to the same caserole every night. Fall a sleep during the news.

I just can't do this, I am not that person. I need more.... stimulating experiences.

Like a scientist I want to observe and experience everything this life has to offer, not just the monotony of a servile existance.

I cannot do light and fluffy because I refuse to believe that this world is light and fluffy. I refuse to believe that all existance is that frigging boring. There has to be more.

I know there are people who can watch CSI Pawtucket, but it ain't me.

I know there are people who can watch TMZ, it ain't me.

I know there are people who can do what they're told and fall in line. It ain't me.

I think this life would be easier if I could do this sort of thing, but I have never done anything the easy way. Not once have I chosen the easy path.

I chose the streets. I chose anger and hatred.

I chose unrequited love,

Some might say it is about suffering, about choosing to punish myself for being weak or distorted thinking about not being worthy. Many a psychiatrist or psychologist will tell you that if you are told you are worthless long enough you will believe. It becomes self fullfilling prophecy, but that is crap.

I choose the tough road because I think I am worth it, because I want big things, great things. I want these things that are out of my reach.

So often in this life it is about the chase, the high is in the yearning for the achievement. Once you get there you can enjoy it all the more.

It is the reason I will never give up, I will never back down from anything.

Some people have to deal with this in a way I wouldn`t wish on them, but it is the way it is.

I am not light and fluffy, just big and hard....ok that sounded sexual, but it wasn`t.

I have a dream to shoot for now, and I am trying my ass off, but should I fail, that`s ok, I can always fall back on being one of the masses, enjoying my pavlum.