Shock the monkey!
Listen in as Alley loses her sanity and brings the monkey down with her. This pod is all about Alley's weekend and the stuff that happened. She provides startling insights in to her personality and her menstrual cycle.
You can download the mp3 here.
Things you should know:
1. Alley swears like a drunken sailor.
2. The monkey is scared.
3. Much of her story had to be edited to protect the innocent people, as well as the guilty.
4. Did I mention the swearing?
5. Those who are not in to period talk should run and hide. It is very brief, and explains a lot but it is there.
6. Crazy people are crazy.
7. The rules for hiring a hitman are discussed at length, as well as proper compensation.
8. The monkey would gladly kill someone for you if you are hot and are willing to make out with him for a bit.
9. I know way too much about whores.
10. Naming your child Destiny is pretty much like giving up and buying her a stripper pole for her 18th birthday.
11. Headphone etiquette is srs bzns.
12. I am ending the list here so we don't have to worry about a number 12. That would just be too scary.
As always, you can comment or complain about what you have heard here today.
Leave a comment or email us
onemonkeymedia@gmail.com
alleythemonkeytramer@gmail.com
Find us on the:
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and random other places that may seem like a good idea at the time.
Monday, April 4, 2011
All the Gnews That's Fit To Print
After much negotiation and high level meeting type things, it has been determined that One Monkey Media is going BIG TIME!
To that end, we are going to be setting up a schedule. This schedule will be met, rain or shine, and it is all designed to bring you the best and most interesting entertainment and commentary on life.
As of right now, the following is the schedule.
Monday: The Podcast. It features Chris Parker (me) and Alley in an on going series of discussions on the world around us, as we see it. Tune in for rants and raves on stupid people, stupid situations and the stupid things we do. (look, I broke a grammatical rule right there, and it felt awesome!).
Tuesday: Short Fiction Day. This day will present to you the very best in random fictitious content. It will feature both my work, and the work of people I swindle, subvert, blackmail, and extort in to providing for you.
Wednesday: List Day. This will feature various lists like this, and this, and maybe even this. Each week myself or a guest will attempt to showcase different types of things, as well as define our understanding of the world....or boobs.
Thursday: Life Skills. This is for non fiction revolving around the world at large. It may involve commentary, insight, or merely a biographical piece. This is the day for shocking self disclosure along with oopsies and the finest in geekery. Everything one needs to partake in the new popular lifestyles that all the kids are in to... assuming kids are in to geek stuff and feeling sorry for themselves.
Friday: Stories From The Streets. This day is for gritty stories written specifically with reality in mind. They may be fiction or non fiction. Too often we tend to escape in to these world's of grandeur where we need to worry about unobtainium. We here at One Monkey Media want to present to you a more realistic, yet satisfying look at the real world. It will feature heart rending stories, both real and imagined from myself and from others. Here is an example of fiction, and this is an example of non fiction in this category.
Saturday: Wildcard Day. Anything goes on this day, including nothing. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. But hey, if something gets posted, you can be assured it is either good or so timely that you need to read it right away, lest you fall behind your friends and become stuck in the past.
Sunday: The weekly round up. This will help you out if you missed anything during the week. Catch up with what is going on with us every Sunday with one click.
This is all part of the One Monkey Media plan to dominate your entertainment. Tell all of your friends you heard it here and let's bring some reality, some creativity, some honesty and some true interest to the entertainment and infotainment business.
To that end, we are going to be setting up a schedule. This schedule will be met, rain or shine, and it is all designed to bring you the best and most interesting entertainment and commentary on life.
As of right now, the following is the schedule.
Monday: The Podcast. It features Chris Parker (me) and Alley in an on going series of discussions on the world around us, as we see it. Tune in for rants and raves on stupid people, stupid situations and the stupid things we do. (look, I broke a grammatical rule right there, and it felt awesome!).
Tuesday: Short Fiction Day. This day will present to you the very best in random fictitious content. It will feature both my work, and the work of people I swindle, subvert, blackmail, and extort in to providing for you.
Wednesday: List Day. This will feature various lists like this, and this, and maybe even this. Each week myself or a guest will attempt to showcase different types of things, as well as define our understanding of the world....or boobs.
Thursday: Life Skills. This is for non fiction revolving around the world at large. It may involve commentary, insight, or merely a biographical piece. This is the day for shocking self disclosure along with oopsies and the finest in geekery. Everything one needs to partake in the new popular lifestyles that all the kids are in to... assuming kids are in to geek stuff and feeling sorry for themselves.
Friday: Stories From The Streets. This day is for gritty stories written specifically with reality in mind. They may be fiction or non fiction. Too often we tend to escape in to these world's of grandeur where we need to worry about unobtainium. We here at One Monkey Media want to present to you a more realistic, yet satisfying look at the real world. It will feature heart rending stories, both real and imagined from myself and from others. Here is an example of fiction, and this is an example of non fiction in this category.
Saturday: Wildcard Day. Anything goes on this day, including nothing. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. But hey, if something gets posted, you can be assured it is either good or so timely that you need to read it right away, lest you fall behind your friends and become stuck in the past.
Sunday: The weekly round up. This will help you out if you missed anything during the week. Catch up with what is going on with us every Sunday with one click.
This is all part of the One Monkey Media plan to dominate your entertainment. Tell all of your friends you heard it here and let's bring some reality, some creativity, some honesty and some true interest to the entertainment and infotainment business.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
One Monkey Week Mar 28- Apr 3
One Week of Blogs in One Paragraph
The week began with an Alleyless, and talentless podcast, then the real magic happened and I tried to write poetry for a friend. Which reminds me, I need to either use smaller pictures or reformat the whole damn thing cause you can't even see the awesome Davey and Goliath pic, or Megan fox's left boob, which many say is her best boob. After that, all bets were off and it became a free for all, in which I may have discussed Canadian politics and dirty hippies. The only thing left was to make a lame April Fool's Joke and to end on an up note with a short piece on Baseball's opening day.
Monkey Messages
The Musical Interlude
Note: It would appear that Friday night is not a time for posting songs on the interwebs. I must get better at this. If you must know, I was busy watching the game.
Buckcherry - Rescue Me. A pretty good post grunge song about a guy trying to get him some love. Dude is not perfect, and he is trying to convince his love of choice he is worth taking the chance. I like the idea of a guy who has been beaten down by love trying to get back up off the canvas.
Joe Satriani - Friends. Yes I have an unhealthy interest in guitarists. Yes this was simply a companion piece for the blog. It really is a beautiful song though. Satriani has a great guitar voice.
Linkin Park - What I've Done. These guys are really great lyric writers and this song, though used in a terrible movie, is fantastic. Put away the past already.
Our Lady Peace - Innocent. Speaking of great lyricists, here are some Canadians. They can write, and they can touch your soul or some such thing. This is a somewhat powerful 90's ballad that talks of redemption and of once again picking yourself up. The characters in the stories have been up and down so much it is amazing they are still trying to survive, despite not wanting to.
Weekly Nirvana
You have to dig deep for this one. Very rare song. It almost has hope in, must be why it is rare.
Podcast of The Week
This week I am going to talk about one of the big dogs, the grand daddy of podcasting. I am speaking of non other than Adam Carolla and his fantastic podcast. You may remember him from the Man Show, or from you know, being Jimmy Kimmel's bitch. Ok that isn't fair, but it is funny to me so I am going to say it anyway.
Adam Carolla is one of the early adopters of podcasting, and he makes it work real real well.
The show started basically as a project, or something to do after he was fired from terrestrial radio and still had a bunch of cheques to cash. Since then, he has built up a fantastic network, and a great internet show.
He combines all of the best elements from traditional radio morning shows, with none of the stupid sound effects....ok fewer of the stupid sound effects.
The show features a tight format that generally sees him complaining about stuff while his cohost tries to do the news or a guest tries to pimp their latest project.
The show has regular segments and games, along with regular guests who actually bring the funny.
I think there is no bigger compliment I can give a podcast than to say that most people riding on the bus with me must think I am crazy because I always have that tight smile on my face that means I am trying desperately to stifle a laugh.
The only thing that I actually don't like about the show is when he has a single guest on and he just does a one on one with none of the normal bits and pieces. While I understand why they do this, and in fact the show is still entertaining, I tend to miss Alison Rosen and Bald Brian. There is also a more up beat feel to the show when others are on it, rather than the quiet and more sedate feel of the single guest.
Between Adam and his co host, the lovely Alison Rosen, you can expect laughs, complaining and some good infotainment.
If you like morning shows, but hate the music, the traffic and the clutter, check out this daily cast. It is well worth the listen.
You Tube Video of the Week.
So, I have been trying to build up the twitter following, and fill out my youtube channel. In so doing I have been exposed to some crap. One of the people who is not crap is @Mr_AndrewHunt
Despite the fact that this guy spams a lot of tweets (it's ok, I spam him back) he comes up with some real funny stuff, and he also has a youtube channel with stuff like this on it.
Pretty fun series of one liners, and well worth the trip to youtube land.
One Monkey Toy
I am playing dress up again, only this time it is in a Sherlock Holmes outfit.
You too can play dress up, it is fun and not at all gay as long as you are a studly man type like a jedi or Shelock Holmes....or a girl, unless you are playing a studly man type...
I just find it freeing to picture all the possibilities. Remember kids, playing with toys is all about imagination, and if you can't picture yourself as Sherlock Holmes, gallivanting across London solving crimes with the awesomeness of Watson at your side, then you aren't really playing now are you?
Wrap Party
Well there you have it, the week that was according to my messed up brain. Looking ahead to this week you can expect a creative project involving my new Alison. I believe this week I will be getting the love of one Alison while losing the respect of another...not sure how that is going to work. Plus I have some writing to do and a great little project in the works that might mean cool stuff for all of us.
Make sure you find us on twitter and facebook and all that jazz.
Leave comments (you don't have to sign up to do so) or email us: onemonkeymedia@gmail.com and we will send you free stuff.... or just a strongly worded reply.
The week began with an Alleyless, and talentless podcast, then the real magic happened and I tried to write poetry for a friend. Which reminds me, I need to either use smaller pictures or reformat the whole damn thing cause you can't even see the awesome Davey and Goliath pic, or Megan fox's left boob, which many say is her best boob. After that, all bets were off and it became a free for all, in which I may have discussed Canadian politics and dirty hippies. The only thing left was to make a lame April Fool's Joke and to end on an up note with a short piece on Baseball's opening day.
Monkey Messages
The Musical Interlude
Note: It would appear that Friday night is not a time for posting songs on the interwebs. I must get better at this. If you must know, I was busy watching the game.
Buckcherry - Rescue Me. A pretty good post grunge song about a guy trying to get him some love. Dude is not perfect, and he is trying to convince his love of choice he is worth taking the chance. I like the idea of a guy who has been beaten down by love trying to get back up off the canvas.
Joe Satriani - Friends. Yes I have an unhealthy interest in guitarists. Yes this was simply a companion piece for the blog. It really is a beautiful song though. Satriani has a great guitar voice.
Linkin Park - What I've Done. These guys are really great lyric writers and this song, though used in a terrible movie, is fantastic. Put away the past already.
Our Lady Peace - Innocent. Speaking of great lyricists, here are some Canadians. They can write, and they can touch your soul or some such thing. This is a somewhat powerful 90's ballad that talks of redemption and of once again picking yourself up. The characters in the stories have been up and down so much it is amazing they are still trying to survive, despite not wanting to.
Weekly Nirvana
You have to dig deep for this one. Very rare song. It almost has hope in, must be why it is rare.
Podcast of The Week
This week I am going to talk about one of the big dogs, the grand daddy of podcasting. I am speaking of non other than Adam Carolla and his fantastic podcast. You may remember him from the Man Show, or from you know, being Jimmy Kimmel's bitch. Ok that isn't fair, but it is funny to me so I am going to say it anyway.
Adam Carolla is one of the early adopters of podcasting, and he makes it work real real well.
The show started basically as a project, or something to do after he was fired from terrestrial radio and still had a bunch of cheques to cash. Since then, he has built up a fantastic network, and a great internet show.
He combines all of the best elements from traditional radio morning shows, with none of the stupid sound effects....ok fewer of the stupid sound effects.
The show features a tight format that generally sees him complaining about stuff while his cohost tries to do the news or a guest tries to pimp their latest project.
The show has regular segments and games, along with regular guests who actually bring the funny.
I think there is no bigger compliment I can give a podcast than to say that most people riding on the bus with me must think I am crazy because I always have that tight smile on my face that means I am trying desperately to stifle a laugh.
The only thing that I actually don't like about the show is when he has a single guest on and he just does a one on one with none of the normal bits and pieces. While I understand why they do this, and in fact the show is still entertaining, I tend to miss Alison Rosen and Bald Brian. There is also a more up beat feel to the show when others are on it, rather than the quiet and more sedate feel of the single guest.
Between Adam and his co host, the lovely Alison Rosen, you can expect laughs, complaining and some good infotainment.
If you like morning shows, but hate the music, the traffic and the clutter, check out this daily cast. It is well worth the listen.
You Tube Video of the Week.
So, I have been trying to build up the twitter following, and fill out my youtube channel. In so doing I have been exposed to some crap. One of the people who is not crap is @Mr_AndrewHunt
Despite the fact that this guy spams a lot of tweets (it's ok, I spam him back) he comes up with some real funny stuff, and he also has a youtube channel with stuff like this on it.
Pretty fun series of one liners, and well worth the trip to youtube land.
One Monkey Toy
I am playing dress up again, only this time it is in a Sherlock Holmes outfit.
You too can play dress up, it is fun and not at all gay as long as you are a studly man type like a jedi or Shelock Holmes....or a girl, unless you are playing a studly man type...
I just find it freeing to picture all the possibilities. Remember kids, playing with toys is all about imagination, and if you can't picture yourself as Sherlock Holmes, gallivanting across London solving crimes with the awesomeness of Watson at your side, then you aren't really playing now are you?
Wrap Party
Well there you have it, the week that was according to my messed up brain. Looking ahead to this week you can expect a creative project involving my new Alison. I believe this week I will be getting the love of one Alison while losing the respect of another...not sure how that is going to work. Plus I have some writing to do and a great little project in the works that might mean cool stuff for all of us.
Make sure you find us on twitter and facebook and all that jazz.
Leave comments (you don't have to sign up to do so) or email us: onemonkeymedia@gmail.com and we will send you free stuff.... or just a strongly worded reply.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Hope Spring
Today is a magical day for me, it represents all that is good in the world. The smell of grass, the warmth of the sun, the cool of a gentle breeze, and the crack of a bat.
Today is opening day for my team, and this can only mean good things. On this day, my team has the potential to be the best. All of my hopes and dreams can be realised, because on this day the slate is clean and the future starts now.
I love the fact that spring means these things, but opening day has meant so much more to me in the past. Opening day has been the bright spot in my relationship with my mother.
All too often I remember only the disappointment and the agony. The failed attempts to connect and the distant feelings of regret and loss. These are the things I think of when I think about my mother on any other day than this one.
On this day though, or relationship is perfect. Opening day was our day. It was our time to be together and forget the rest of the year, forget the rest of our troubles. This was the day when we could laugh and shout, eat and be merry. This day is the day we spent together every year because it was our thing.
Nothing could intrude on our happy day. We would go out to the ballpark and enjoy the sights and sounds of hope. On this day all things were possible, on this day we could build a better year, start fresh and be happy.
It never turned out that way, and my final memory of opening day with my mother was of her and I getting high together, but somethings will never change. On this day my hopes and dreams all seem so real, and so obtainable, just like that American League pennant.
On this day I am free to be me, and work to be the best me ever.
It is on this day that I am happy for the future, so full of promise, and it is on this day that I miss opening day mom.
Today is opening day for my team, and this can only mean good things. On this day, my team has the potential to be the best. All of my hopes and dreams can be realised, because on this day the slate is clean and the future starts now.
I love the fact that spring means these things, but opening day has meant so much more to me in the past. Opening day has been the bright spot in my relationship with my mother.
All too often I remember only the disappointment and the agony. The failed attempts to connect and the distant feelings of regret and loss. These are the things I think of when I think about my mother on any other day than this one.
On this day though, or relationship is perfect. Opening day was our day. It was our time to be together and forget the rest of the year, forget the rest of our troubles. This was the day when we could laugh and shout, eat and be merry. This day is the day we spent together every year because it was our thing.
Nothing could intrude on our happy day. We would go out to the ballpark and enjoy the sights and sounds of hope. On this day all things were possible, on this day we could build a better year, start fresh and be happy.
It never turned out that way, and my final memory of opening day with my mother was of her and I getting high together, but somethings will never change. On this day my hopes and dreams all seem so real, and so obtainable, just like that American League pennant.
On this day I am free to be me, and work to be the best me ever.
It is on this day that I am happy for the future, so full of promise, and it is on this day that I miss opening day mom.
It's Time
Over the last few years I have not felt comfortable. I have not felt right in my own skin. I was never too sure why, or what I should do about it.
I have now decided. It took me a long time, and a lot of therapy bills, but I have come to the conclusion that I never should have been born a man.
I should have been born a woman.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, and the fantastic work that doctors are doing in Tijuana, I can rectify the situation. I can become the beautiful, soft, sensual woman I have all ways wanted.
This is a dream come true really and now I can feel comfortable looking at purses, discussing spring colours and dishing about boys.
I have even bigger news. I have been in talks with Discovery Channel about filming my new life, and we have finally settled on a big deal. They will be paying for my surgery, and a new life in Las Vegas. I am looking forward to a great new life, and I hope you wish me well in my new venture.
So often in this life we are never able to obtain our dreams, but finally mine is coming true.
To all those who I have been keeping this from, I am sorry; but, now you know, and I hope you are happy for me.
So long people, when next you hear from me, Chris will be dead, and only Elleanah Lareux will be left.
I have now decided. It took me a long time, and a lot of therapy bills, but I have come to the conclusion that I never should have been born a man.
I should have been born a woman.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, and the fantastic work that doctors are doing in Tijuana, I can rectify the situation. I can become the beautiful, soft, sensual woman I have all ways wanted.
This is a dream come true really and now I can feel comfortable looking at purses, discussing spring colours and dishing about boys.
I have even bigger news. I have been in talks with Discovery Channel about filming my new life, and we have finally settled on a big deal. They will be paying for my surgery, and a new life in Las Vegas. I am looking forward to a great new life, and I hope you wish me well in my new venture.
So often in this life we are never able to obtain our dreams, but finally mine is coming true.
To all those who I have been keeping this from, I am sorry; but, now you know, and I hope you are happy for me.
So long people, when next you hear from me, Chris will be dead, and only Elleanah Lareux will be left.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Political Indigestion
I need to warn you right out of the gate that this is going to be about politics.....get the hell back here and let me finish!
Though I am going to be discussing politics, I am going to be mostly making fun of people, lots of people, every kind of people, so it's ok.
Recently, due to the vagaries of a multi partied system that is not unlike a Thanksgiving feast at your in laws, loud, untamed and lacking any semblance of agreement on anything, our government has fallen.
This tends to happen when one party does not hold a majority of the seats. Simple math, imagine America where you have two parties, no one can govern without more seats than the other. Now add in a half dozen other parties taking seats away from both parties. It is possible to have more seats than everyone else, but still not have more seats than everyone else. In this scenario, you need to get one of your crazy drunk cousins to agree with you on something. If you can't then you have to go home, dust yourself off and get ready for Christmas, and do it all over again.
Since this is what happened here in my lovely country, we are going to be having an election. Unlike the American elections, which happen on a specific schedule, ours kind of just spring up out of nowhere. Less time to prepare, and certainly less time to hear about how the other team likes young boys and was born in Africa.
Having said all of that, I present to you the political parties of Canada in all of their unglory.
The Conservative Party.
These people make republicans look like right wing loonies....wait that doesn't make sense. Ok to be fair, our conservatives are a little more like American centrists. While they believe in smaller government and less corporate taxes, they also believe in health care and good government spending. They are the front runners right now but they are doing it much the same way Republicans do it, through fear.
Think of these people sort of like the Sith. They do everything from a place of emotion, but their emotional range is kind of restricted to fear, greed and lust for power. They want to build supermax prisons, charge 9 year olds with murder and buy some stealth fighters. WTF does Canada need with stealth fighters? No one appears to be attacking us, and our traditional role in the world is that of peace keeper. The last thing you want as a peacekeeper is to be unseen.
Peacekeepers need a giant frigging sign lit in neon saying hey look, we want you to knock it off and hug it out!
The major problem with this party is their refusal to see the future. As is the case with so many corporate entities, they are stuck on old models and outdated thinking to get a head. Nothing about their plan says future, just more of the same.
The Liberal Party.
I can sum this entire party up in one sentence. Here it comes.
This party's great idea of a policy meeting with the public is a wine tasting party.
What are you guys trying to look out of touch with 90% of the country? A wine and cheese mixer is not really the way to get people on board with your policies, it is just something faculty member do to feel classy and sophisticated, like European nobility.
his is Canada, try a beer bash where you watch the hockey game and then afterwards talk about policy crap.
These people are out of sync, and half their platform is the other guy is a jerk. Not helpful.
The Bloc Quebecois.
These people want to separate from Canada and form the new Country of Quebec. Or at least that's what they say they want. What they really want is to make Dad angry by disagreeing with whatever Dad likes. They are pissed off and want attention.
At a certain point we should probably stop giving it to them and make them go to rehab, where they can get the counselling they need.
The NDP
Look guys, socialists. These are the people that Bill O'Reilly is always bitching about. These people want free abortions for 12 year old Lolitas and free care for your rich grandmother.
They also want more union jobs, a whole whackload of government programs, and they want to raise taxes to get it.
They did finally wise up and say they just want to raise corporate taxes, not you know, the people's taxes, which is how they have gained some popularity.
Guess how many corporate donations they got last year? Yeah, pretty much the same as I got when I ran as the Jedi party.
They aren't bad people, but they seem to have reached the tipping point of support. Canada wants them around because they keep the other parties from gutting health care and erasing our pensions, but no one wants them to actually govern.
The Green Party.
Dirty hippies.
Seriously, damn dirty hippies.
I know what you're thinking, how can a single issue get you elected? It can't. Back in the day these people had no idea about anything that did not involve the environment or granola. It seems they have wizened up.
They have enough pull now to be considered a real political party, fielding candidates in every riding in the country. That sounds impressive, but my guess is some of the people running are actually liberals and socialists that didn't make the other parties cut. Nothing like playing for the B team.
I have to hand it to them though, they are the only party saying stuff about real innovation and future blah blah. They have their eye on the future, but they seem to think it involves sharing circles and community gardens.
They are actually right about this crap, but they are about ten years to early still to gain real traction.
It's hard to take someone in burlap seriously.
So these are the decisions we are faced with up here in the great white north.
The Sith, professors in sweater vests, union bosses, angry french people or hippies.
Not a lot of choice decisions there huh?
Ok maybe then you might want to vote on the leaders.
Stephen Harper - Conservative.
This fine gentleman wears a suit in the jacuzzi. He also has a fake smile that just screams trust me with your money, I dare you!
He reminds me of a televangelist in the sense that you don't understand what he is saying, but you believe he believes it, so you might as well give him your life's savings.
I don't suspect he is doing blow off of male hookers, but there is something he is doing that he is not telling us, perhaps it has something to do with the stealth fighters he wants to buy.
Michael Ignatief - Liberal.
He looks like your social studies teacher. The one tat wants you to call him Mike. Go ahead, you can trust him. He's not working for the man, he's trying to change the system.
The reality is, he is probably lying to you and just preforming a research project for his doctoral thesis, and non of this matters to him beyond what he gets out of it.
I suspect him of wanting to watch us like lab rats, and of using classical conditioning on us.
I think it has something to do with the fact he goes on television, and rather than saying what he stands for he just says what he doesn't like about the other guy.
Jack Layton - NDP
What is it with socialists and the mustache?
He looks a lot like Canada's version of a despot. Pasty white, bright blue eyes and a bushy stache that just screams I like to dance!
I am not sure why but I get that uncle who wants you to sit on his lap vibe off of him. I am sure he is a nice guy and all, but I am just not in to it.
Random Venom Spitting French Guy - Bloc.
I think it is still Gille Duceppe or whatever running that clown show, but I am afraid of being put on some watch list of anti government terrorists for going to their website.
I have no idea what he really stands for, but I think he is liberal. Oh and he wants to start a new country.
At a certain point I wanted to say to him, ok, here's some tough love. Go ahead. And then turn the lights out on him and walk away. Just cut his funding down to zero, cut off all aid and support and tell him to go out and find someone to help. Guess how far you are going to get?
The only issue I have with this is that America would own the new country inside of about 11 minutes. Them or China.
I mean really man, how far are you going to get without anything of value to trade? You have zero strategic importance, limited resources, and Canada own most of your electricity. You have no financial reserve of hard currency and limited relations with the rest of the world, cause no one will talk to you, because you are just a province.
I also look at this guy and get that tired old man who is smarter than everyone around him, but no one will listen because he has that one crazy thing he believes in.
Kind of like if you had an uncle who was in to Scientology, but also knew how to fix every problem you have, but you just can't listen to him because he believes Aliens have built everything and we are all controlled by little wizdings in our blood.
You can see him visibly slump and sigh whenever the other leaders are talking like he wants to say, you idiots, it's really simple we just have to, but he knows no one is going to listen, so he just sits there shaking his head waiting for his wife to tell him he can go home.
Elizabeth Moonbeam Lovechild Scooter McRosepetal Grey - Hippy
I would listen to her if she would stop dressing like a business woman and get down to the real thing. I want to see some burlap and hemp clothes, smell some pecculi, hear some bob marley and eat some granola.
You are trying to start a hippy revolution not convince the board to invest in windmills dammit.
There you have my thoughts on Canadian politics.
I promise something better tomorrow.
Though I am going to be discussing politics, I am going to be mostly making fun of people, lots of people, every kind of people, so it's ok.
Recently, due to the vagaries of a multi partied system that is not unlike a Thanksgiving feast at your in laws, loud, untamed and lacking any semblance of agreement on anything, our government has fallen.
This tends to happen when one party does not hold a majority of the seats. Simple math, imagine America where you have two parties, no one can govern without more seats than the other. Now add in a half dozen other parties taking seats away from both parties. It is possible to have more seats than everyone else, but still not have more seats than everyone else. In this scenario, you need to get one of your crazy drunk cousins to agree with you on something. If you can't then you have to go home, dust yourself off and get ready for Christmas, and do it all over again.
Since this is what happened here in my lovely country, we are going to be having an election. Unlike the American elections, which happen on a specific schedule, ours kind of just spring up out of nowhere. Less time to prepare, and certainly less time to hear about how the other team likes young boys and was born in Africa.
Having said all of that, I present to you the political parties of Canada in all of their unglory.
The Conservative Party.
These people make republicans look like right wing loonies....wait that doesn't make sense. Ok to be fair, our conservatives are a little more like American centrists. While they believe in smaller government and less corporate taxes, they also believe in health care and good government spending. They are the front runners right now but they are doing it much the same way Republicans do it, through fear.
Think of these people sort of like the Sith. They do everything from a place of emotion, but their emotional range is kind of restricted to fear, greed and lust for power. They want to build supermax prisons, charge 9 year olds with murder and buy some stealth fighters. WTF does Canada need with stealth fighters? No one appears to be attacking us, and our traditional role in the world is that of peace keeper. The last thing you want as a peacekeeper is to be unseen.
Peacekeepers need a giant frigging sign lit in neon saying hey look, we want you to knock it off and hug it out!
The major problem with this party is their refusal to see the future. As is the case with so many corporate entities, they are stuck on old models and outdated thinking to get a head. Nothing about their plan says future, just more of the same.
The Liberal Party.
I can sum this entire party up in one sentence. Here it comes.
This party's great idea of a policy meeting with the public is a wine tasting party.
What are you guys trying to look out of touch with 90% of the country? A wine and cheese mixer is not really the way to get people on board with your policies, it is just something faculty member do to feel classy and sophisticated, like European nobility.
his is Canada, try a beer bash where you watch the hockey game and then afterwards talk about policy crap.
These people are out of sync, and half their platform is the other guy is a jerk. Not helpful.
The Bloc Quebecois.
These people want to separate from Canada and form the new Country of Quebec. Or at least that's what they say they want. What they really want is to make Dad angry by disagreeing with whatever Dad likes. They are pissed off and want attention.
At a certain point we should probably stop giving it to them and make them go to rehab, where they can get the counselling they need.
The NDP
Look guys, socialists. These are the people that Bill O'Reilly is always bitching about. These people want free abortions for 12 year old Lolitas and free care for your rich grandmother.
They also want more union jobs, a whole whackload of government programs, and they want to raise taxes to get it.
They did finally wise up and say they just want to raise corporate taxes, not you know, the people's taxes, which is how they have gained some popularity.
Guess how many corporate donations they got last year? Yeah, pretty much the same as I got when I ran as the Jedi party.
They aren't bad people, but they seem to have reached the tipping point of support. Canada wants them around because they keep the other parties from gutting health care and erasing our pensions, but no one wants them to actually govern.
The Green Party.
Dirty hippies.
Seriously, damn dirty hippies.
I know what you're thinking, how can a single issue get you elected? It can't. Back in the day these people had no idea about anything that did not involve the environment or granola. It seems they have wizened up.
They have enough pull now to be considered a real political party, fielding candidates in every riding in the country. That sounds impressive, but my guess is some of the people running are actually liberals and socialists that didn't make the other parties cut. Nothing like playing for the B team.
I have to hand it to them though, they are the only party saying stuff about real innovation and future blah blah. They have their eye on the future, but they seem to think it involves sharing circles and community gardens.
They are actually right about this crap, but they are about ten years to early still to gain real traction.
It's hard to take someone in burlap seriously.
So these are the decisions we are faced with up here in the great white north.
The Sith, professors in sweater vests, union bosses, angry french people or hippies.
Not a lot of choice decisions there huh?
Ok maybe then you might want to vote on the leaders.
Stephen Harper - Conservative.
This fine gentleman wears a suit in the jacuzzi. He also has a fake smile that just screams trust me with your money, I dare you!
He reminds me of a televangelist in the sense that you don't understand what he is saying, but you believe he believes it, so you might as well give him your life's savings.
I don't suspect he is doing blow off of male hookers, but there is something he is doing that he is not telling us, perhaps it has something to do with the stealth fighters he wants to buy.
Michael Ignatief - Liberal.
He looks like your social studies teacher. The one tat wants you to call him Mike. Go ahead, you can trust him. He's not working for the man, he's trying to change the system.
The reality is, he is probably lying to you and just preforming a research project for his doctoral thesis, and non of this matters to him beyond what he gets out of it.
I suspect him of wanting to watch us like lab rats, and of using classical conditioning on us.
I think it has something to do with the fact he goes on television, and rather than saying what he stands for he just says what he doesn't like about the other guy.
Jack Layton - NDP
What is it with socialists and the mustache?
He looks a lot like Canada's version of a despot. Pasty white, bright blue eyes and a bushy stache that just screams I like to dance!
I am not sure why but I get that uncle who wants you to sit on his lap vibe off of him. I am sure he is a nice guy and all, but I am just not in to it.
Random Venom Spitting French Guy - Bloc.
I think it is still Gille Duceppe or whatever running that clown show, but I am afraid of being put on some watch list of anti government terrorists for going to their website.
I have no idea what he really stands for, but I think he is liberal. Oh and he wants to start a new country.
At a certain point I wanted to say to him, ok, here's some tough love. Go ahead. And then turn the lights out on him and walk away. Just cut his funding down to zero, cut off all aid and support and tell him to go out and find someone to help. Guess how far you are going to get?
The only issue I have with this is that America would own the new country inside of about 11 minutes. Them or China.
I mean really man, how far are you going to get without anything of value to trade? You have zero strategic importance, limited resources, and Canada own most of your electricity. You have no financial reserve of hard currency and limited relations with the rest of the world, cause no one will talk to you, because you are just a province.
I also look at this guy and get that tired old man who is smarter than everyone around him, but no one will listen because he has that one crazy thing he believes in.
Kind of like if you had an uncle who was in to Scientology, but also knew how to fix every problem you have, but you just can't listen to him because he believes Aliens have built everything and we are all controlled by little wizdings in our blood.
You can see him visibly slump and sigh whenever the other leaders are talking like he wants to say, you idiots, it's really simple we just have to, but he knows no one is going to listen, so he just sits there shaking his head waiting for his wife to tell him he can go home.
Elizabeth Moonbeam Lovechild Scooter McRosepetal Grey - Hippy
I would listen to her if she would stop dressing like a business woman and get down to the real thing. I want to see some burlap and hemp clothes, smell some pecculi, hear some bob marley and eat some granola.
You are trying to start a hippy revolution not convince the board to invest in windmills dammit.
There you have my thoughts on Canadian politics.
I promise something better tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The One With The Friends Reference in the Title
The following is the next installment of my 9 thousand part series of delineating and classifying subspecies of human beings. In the past we have looked at different types of female humans and male humans.
This time around I thought we would discuss the different types of friends that exist in the world.
Those of you expecting a retrospective of the best television show to ever feature Matt Leblanc should go here. (this is likely to never get old for me.
Those expecting a biting commentary on how we classify our friend type relationships should hang out for a bit and see if that is what I end up doing.
The very first category of friend is the
This is the type of friend that loves to hang out, when there is plenty of booze, plenty of weed, plenty of food, or even just plenty of good news. When you are flush, this friend is right by your side every step of the way. They will be your confidant, your advisor, your priest, your party down buddy. One small problem. The instant it rains, they are out of sight. They run faster than they have ever run in their lives to get away from you when either the money runs out, or you have to deal with something in the real world.
This is a great friend to have when you are feeling good because they bring a little something extra to the party. They are the ones with the great stories, and usually a lampshade on their head by the end of the night. If you are bored, and can supply this person with fuel, there is no telling how many hookers are going to be passed out in the bathroom of your Montreal hotel room when you come to.
You cannot rely on this person for anything. They would love to help you move, unfortunately they have to be out of town that weekend. Oh damn, need a lift to the airport, would broh but my car has a bad alternator.
The only good news here is that while they would definitely not give you a kidney, you most likely don`t want one of their kidney`s anyway.
This is a frustrating friend. This is an aggravating friend. This is a person whom you find very attractive, whom you seem to click with but who seems to be not interested in you that way. You end up as friends and you can't get yourself out of it. Try as you might you can't get rid of the person, nor can you stand to hear about how their new boyfriend or girlfriend is so hot but they treat your friend like shit.
You know you have this type of friend if you have ever heard the phrase "I don't think of you like that." This is code for, the thought of sex with you makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
This is a tough friendship to get out of, and sometimes you never do, forever destined to pine for the one you think should be yours, yet never seems to think you are attractive enough for them. They tend to rely on you heavily for friendship so there's no way out of it unless you are a dick....hey maybe if you treat them poorly they will see you as a catch!
This is a harsh friend to have. You know they are spiraling out of control and their is nothing you can do for them. They have stepped out of a comfortable reality and decided that chaos is the way to live life. They have lost jobs, or can't hold them. This person can't really hold down friendships very well, but like Luke Skywalker you can still sense the good in them..
You want to salvage the friendship, or at least hang in there long enough in hopes that they will get back on track; however, everything you've done has backfired and they are just free falling.
The only thing you can do for this friend is hang out until the hit rock bottom. Nibble around the edges of their life, just enough to remind them you are there. Maybe when they come to they will see your outstretched hand and you can be friends again.
This friend is far too annoying to really want to hang around for any length of time, and I will tell you why, they have never lived. They live vicariously through you and books. They spend way too much time fantasizing and not enough time living.
This person wants to be shocked by you banging hookers in Thailand or Drinking from the firehose. This person wants to compare the differences in your life like it is some kind of science experiment.
The only reason to keep this person around is to find out at which point they gasp in shock and feint. It can be a fun experiment to be sure.
This person will frustrate you because they are scared of everything. They never want to try that crazy Italian restaurant and they certainly won't give up on anything and will always make the safe play.
This time around I thought we would discuss the different types of friends that exist in the world.
Those of you expecting a retrospective of the best television show to ever feature Matt Leblanc should go here. (this is likely to never get old for me.
Those expecting a biting commentary on how we classify our friend type relationships should hang out for a bit and see if that is what I end up doing.
The very first category of friend is the
Fair Weather Friend.
This is a great friend to have when you are feeling good because they bring a little something extra to the party. They are the ones with the great stories, and usually a lampshade on their head by the end of the night. If you are bored, and can supply this person with fuel, there is no telling how many hookers are going to be passed out in the bathroom of your Montreal hotel room when you come to.
You cannot rely on this person for anything. They would love to help you move, unfortunately they have to be out of town that weekend. Oh damn, need a lift to the airport, would broh but my car has a bad alternator.
The only good news here is that while they would definitely not give you a kidney, you most likely don`t want one of their kidney`s anyway.
The Rainy Day Friend
This person is the exact opposite of the consummate party friend This person is always there for you when you need a hug. If life has gotten you down, then they are there to pick you up. They always have a kind thing to say to you, and they always think you are an amazing person.
Sounds good so far right? One small problem, if you aren't currently in crisis, the chances of seeing this person, or even talking to them are slim. They are definitely the out of sight out of mind people. On a certain level you kind of think of them as narcissistic, yet when push comes to shove, they drop everything and run to your side.
Unlike the fair weather friend, these people always have an umbrella for you, and are completely willing to give you one of their kidneys, but chances are you can't meet for drinks or get your calls returned.
This person is the exact opposite of the consummate party friend This person is always there for you when you need a hug. If life has gotten you down, then they are there to pick you up. They always have a kind thing to say to you, and they always think you are an amazing person.
Sounds good so far right? One small problem, if you aren't currently in crisis, the chances of seeing this person, or even talking to them are slim. They are definitely the out of sight out of mind people. On a certain level you kind of think of them as narcissistic, yet when push comes to shove, they drop everything and run to your side.
Unlike the fair weather friend, these people always have an umbrella for you, and are completely willing to give you one of their kidneys, but chances are you can't meet for drinks or get your calls returned.
We're Just Friends Friend
This is a frustrating friend. This is an aggravating friend. This is a person whom you find very attractive, whom you seem to click with but who seems to be not interested in you that way. You end up as friends and you can't get yourself out of it. Try as you might you can't get rid of the person, nor can you stand to hear about how their new boyfriend or girlfriend is so hot but they treat your friend like shit.
You know you have this type of friend if you have ever heard the phrase "I don't think of you like that." This is code for, the thought of sex with you makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
This is a tough friendship to get out of, and sometimes you never do, forever destined to pine for the one you think should be yours, yet never seems to think you are attractive enough for them. They tend to rely on you heavily for friendship so there's no way out of it unless you are a dick....hey maybe if you treat them poorly they will see you as a catch!
The Train Wreck Friend
This is a harsh friend to have. You know they are spiraling out of control and their is nothing you can do for them. They have stepped out of a comfortable reality and decided that chaos is the way to live life. They have lost jobs, or can't hold them. This person can't really hold down friendships very well, but like Luke Skywalker you can still sense the good in them..
You want to salvage the friendship, or at least hang in there long enough in hopes that they will get back on track; however, everything you've done has backfired and they are just free falling.
The only thing you can do for this friend is hang out until the hit rock bottom. Nibble around the edges of their life, just enough to remind them you are there. Maybe when they come to they will see your outstretched hand and you can be friends again.
The Sheltered Friend
This friend is far too annoying to really want to hang around for any length of time, and I will tell you why, they have never lived. They live vicariously through you and books. They spend way too much time fantasizing and not enough time living.
This person wants to be shocked by you banging hookers in Thailand or Drinking from the firehose. This person wants to compare the differences in your life like it is some kind of science experiment.
The only reason to keep this person around is to find out at which point they gasp in shock and feint. It can be a fun experiment to be sure.
This person will frustrate you because they are scared of everything. They never want to try that crazy Italian restaurant and they certainly won't give up on anything and will always make the safe play.
The Best Friend
There is no picture for this one because there is no thousand words that can describe this relationship. You know all the sayings; your friend will help you move, your best friend will help you move a body and so on.
I am reminded of meatloaf (mmmm meatloaf) who sang some horrible line about how he would do anything for love, but he won't do that. Well your best friend will do that.
Your best friend is the one who finishes your sentences. Your best friend is the one who can hear in your voice what you are feeling, see in your eye what you are thinking and reach in to your heart and mess around a bit.
This is the kind of friendship that all other relationships are built on. Without a person who cares about you like this, you can't form a love connection. Everything else is just lust, and lust fades and all you are left with is a person you don't really know.
Your best friend is the one that has always, and will always be there for you. They don't know why, they just are. They can't describe it, wouldn't want to if they could. It is a relationship that defies real words. The truly lucky are those who are in love with their best friend because that level of intimacy is hard to find in anything else.
This is what love looks like when you strip down the lust and cravings for validation.
Your best friend validates you always because they see you as you truly are and they don't care. They want to be with that person.
So often I have ripped off greater thinkers than I to show you the different types of love, the lustful, the unconditional and the familial. True love is all these things. It is romance, it is unconditional and it is a bond that never breaks.
Think about that the next time you are at the bar and the Situation hits on you while another sits quietly in the corner.
Lust fades, love lasts, and best friends are forever.
But I am a ridiculous romantic like that.
I am reminded of meatloaf (mmmm meatloaf) who sang some horrible line about how he would do anything for love, but he won't do that. Well your best friend will do that.
Your best friend is the one who finishes your sentences. Your best friend is the one who can hear in your voice what you are feeling, see in your eye what you are thinking and reach in to your heart and mess around a bit.
This is the kind of friendship that all other relationships are built on. Without a person who cares about you like this, you can't form a love connection. Everything else is just lust, and lust fades and all you are left with is a person you don't really know.
Your best friend is the one that has always, and will always be there for you. They don't know why, they just are. They can't describe it, wouldn't want to if they could. It is a relationship that defies real words. The truly lucky are those who are in love with their best friend because that level of intimacy is hard to find in anything else.
This is what love looks like when you strip down the lust and cravings for validation.
Your best friend validates you always because they see you as you truly are and they don't care. They want to be with that person.
So often I have ripped off greater thinkers than I to show you the different types of love, the lustful, the unconditional and the familial. True love is all these things. It is romance, it is unconditional and it is a bond that never breaks.
Think about that the next time you are at the bar and the Situation hits on you while another sits quietly in the corner.
Lust fades, love lasts, and best friends are forever.
But I am a ridiculous romantic like that.
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