Yer Momma

I feel so guilty about not having a list yesterday I think I am going to over compensate, cause you know, I owe you or something.

The following is a list of things my mother never taught me that might have made life easier.

1. Internet rejection is as painful as real rejection. Seriously you felt the need to send me a note to tell me I am funny and charming and seem nice..... aaaaand I am not good looking enough? Jesus.

2. Short people are bad for you, sort of like the plague.

3. You shouldn't annoy Kevin Smith's publicist.... on multiple occassions.

4. Funny is over rated. If given the choice, most people, male or female will go for a 6 pack over a sense of humour. Nobody gets it on with a joke.

5. Same applies for kindness. You can't get an orgasm from caring.

6. Confidence is never showing the other person you care about their opinion.

7. Never write a blog post 5 minutes after a stupid person hurts your feelings. It belittles you and your work.

8. Having expectations of others is your fault not theirs. If they dissapoint you it is because you projected your own demands not theirs. A person will rarely step outside of their own character no matter how much it means to you.

9. This list is depressing.

10. I should bring the funny.

11. Here comes the funny.

12. It's ok to like fish, because they don't have any feelings.

13. When a bounty hunter corners you in a bar you MUST shoot first. The bounty hunter is at the disadvantage because the fat sluglike creature paying him wants you alive, whereas you want the bounty hunter dead. Waiting for him to make the first move is just silly.

14. Workahol > alcohol > drugs. At least in prestige. They all perform the same task, diverting one from acknowledging their life, but workahol only causes broken relationships, social dysfunction, heart disease and stroke... hey wait a second....

15. You don`t need to be good to be a success. You just have to exploit someone else's good. I am looking at you Dave Grohl.

16. You can also succeed by exploiting someone else's bad. I am looking at you Charlie Sheen's Posse.

17. Lists make you look cool and on top of things, even if they are full of self recrimination, doubt and angst.

18. Never give your love away for free cause then no one will appreciate it. Note: Love does not include compassion in the previous sentence.

19. When incarcerated, fear the cobra, otherwise it is just a horrible movie or a pet for someone who hates their parents.

20. I like you still. #NotIntendedAsAFactualStatement.

21. Always be trendy and # outside of twitter cause twitter peeps will think they are part of the in crowd when they read it and others will think you're cool because they don't get it and that must mean you know something they don't.

22. When a Chinese buffet is good you can solve all your problems, when it is bad you just spent 10 bucks on shit, and you have to eat a lot of it because you are at a buffet, and it would be wrong of you to waste the trust placed in someone when given unfettered access to food. It is your duty to eat all that you can not a suggestion.

23. Landlords are like women, you're not allowed to shoot em. Besides, you clearly lack property on which to hide the body.

24. Farting can improve a back ache but it also smells and so should be done in private.

25. Always let them see you sweat because it tells them that you are working, but seriously dude, never let them smell you sweat, that's just gross.


There are just some of the things my mom forget to mention while I was growing up. If you have any feel free to post them or email them to me.