Born of an average intellect, Jeremy's future was not bright. He could not aspire to greatness, but merely to a mediocrity of just above minimum wage spending as much on lottery tickets as on personal grooming products.
That isn't to say that he didn't bath regularly, or use soap when he did so, merely that his routine was a mixed bag of not shaving enough, using expensive soaps, cleansers and exfoliates or even brushing every night.
His extravagance was all about food. Fast food really. He didn't even do it because he liked it, he did it because he had no idea how to cook. Sure, he could survive on the food he could cook, but who would choose to eat Rice a Roni and hamburger helper over a double beef burrito? A sack of white castles? A BigMac, and don't forget those giant salty fries, oh the fries!
Due to his limited intellect, Jeremy found himself in the exciting world of telephone customer service. His boss claimed it was a fast paced creative environment that allowed him to help people and feel good about his contribution to society. Even Jeremy knew this was not true, but his ambition and short comings led him to a complacent place where change and advancement were simply not possible.
Three years in to his tenure of helping people with their computer problems over the telephone Jeremy was content, if not happy, but fate had a different plan for this youngish man. Fsate is a foul temptress who can never be denied.
Jeremy's one hobby, the one thing that kept him from his television, and his world of warcraft account was bee keeping. It seemed like a weird thing to be in to according to his coworkers and guildmates online. Jeremy didn't care. There was a peace, a calm in the rush of life that came only when he was staring at the latticework of a beehive.
Few understood his passion, and even fewer still would have even guessed he had a passion, such was his melancholic way.
This was at the center of his dichotomy. In the rest of his life, nothing held his interest for any length of time, nor drove him to such heights of bliss as standing there in his hood and padded armor. That is how he thought of it anyway. He fancied himself a knight when he donned his gear. A valiant protector of these small flying scavengers.
The day Jeremy's earth shook was little different than any other. He awoke to the alarm, got ready for work and grabbed a breakfast burrito.
Work was not tough, just annoying. He really didn't know how to fix any one's computer, but he sure did know how to run a database search for answers people required. After a long day of googling stuff, Jeremy was ready for a Big Mac on the way to his hive.
Once there, Jeremy's sullen look changed to that of a happy boy. He strode confidently towards the hive, clad in his armor, and his life, and the world changed forever.
What Jeremy didn't know was that a new wind was blowing. Not just the wind of change, but also the wind of fallout. Two weeks prior, there had been a massive reactor failure in Japan after a devastating natural disaster. The fallout from this disaster travelled a great distance to find Jeremy on the coast of California.
The wind carried radiation. Not the killing kind ; rather, the kind that all of those cheesey comic books discussed. The transformative type of radiation that can only mean strange things are a foot.
As the wind finally reached his place of being, Jeremy was opening up the hive. Several bees came rushing out. They were caught in the draft and whipped into a frenzy by the maddening levels of radiation, their small bodies unable to cope with the pulsating rays. The brains of these tiny insects became a torrent of animalistic furor.
Jeremy did not understand what was happening. All he knew was that something had spooked his charges. They were flying around him in maddening quick circles, their pace quickening at each pass, the sound of their buzzing wings filled Jeremy''s ears with a rumble.
Normally his armor would have been enough to protect him, but these were irradiated bees. Their strength heightened, their instincts boiled to madness.
Several of the bees made it through the protection and stung Jeremy. He recoiled in frustration more than pain. Why was this happening? How had he lost control of his tiny adopted children?
Each sting released radiation directly in to his bloodstream. Each sting brought him one step closer to a new existence.
It took Jeremy several minutes to get things under control. His interest in the hobby was lost for the night once he did. Failure is one of life's great cold showers. It breaks the hold many things have over us when we feel its gut punch.
Jeremy left his hive behind, and made his way home.
It was a night of fit full sleep, as nothing seemed to be going right, not even his dreams. He bolted upright at 3am, drenched in a feverish sweat. Jeremy got to his feet shakily and glided to the bathroom in his bachelor apartment.
Looking in the mirror he could see his hair matted to his forehead, his wild eyes had epic luggage under them too. His jowls were swollen for some reason.
Jeremy's big idea was to take a shower to try and cool off. This was apparently a terrible idea, as the water made him feel nauseous, like he was being drowned, or maybe just held down and thus his movements were sluggish.
As he got out of the shower he felt a sudden pain jolt his spine. There was a ripping sound as the flesh of his back parted. Jeremy was going insane, no doubt about it.
He reached back to feel his wounds, but instead found.... wings!
What the hell was happening to him?
Slowly over the next 18 hours, Jeremy went through a new puberty, and it was not pleasant. Slowly he was transformed from a normal average pudgy dude, to a man sized bee like creature.
The amazing thing was how much of himself he kept inside his head. He did not become a mindless drone, but rather himself, but with wings and a fuzzy black and yellow belly. Also, he now had a long stinger coming out of his ass.
Once the transformation was complete, Jeremy decided he needed to test this situation out. He jumped out of his third floor window and began to sore.
It took him sometime to grasp the concepts of human flight, but once he did, he was able to hover, float, dive and soar like any bee.
Suddenly Jeremy was no longer average. Suddenly Jeremy felt a power coursing through his veins that had never been there before. Suddenly Jeremy could do anything.
Most people faced with such a situation had a decision to make.
Most people would have to decide whether this was a power to be used for good, or for ill.
The decision was pretty easy for Jeremy. A life of being an after thought, of being held down by not only his own limitations, but also the mean actions of others made the decision so much easier.
Jeremy had power now, and the world would know it, and feel it!
Perched high atop the city, his new limbs clinging with ease to a church cross, Jeremy screamed to the world:
"Look out world, here I come! I can eat flowers and crap honey, beware my power!"
All the world heard, if it had cared, was a loud BZZZZ sound.
For those of you wondering wtf this is, I can only explain it to you thusly. A short time ago, which actually translate in to years in the internet world, the ever talented and beautiful Alison Rosen made s brief joke on a podcast. This is my attempt to declare my intentions to woo her... or to get some attention or something.
So I hope you enjoyed it, and yes, it is intentionally bad and cliched.
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