Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

This weeks world defined list is all about the nap! It is a time honoured tradition, and one I have spent a good deal of my time studying it. This past Sunday I was able to return to the realm of the baseball nap, which you will shortly see is one of the best of the naps. This nap got me thinking.

I have tried every version of nap on all manner of surfaces and I am finally ready to present to you my results.

The Travel Nap

This is really the most basic of naps, and it is also the worst. This nap is fitful, and the majority of us, unless ridiculously drunk, will come in and out of consciousness randomly.
A big characteristic of this nap is the head bob. This is where the chin meets the chest, then rockets upwards in that 5 year old, "I am not tired mom" way. This tends to cause serious neck trauma and generally leads to the required neck back rub, should a significant other be handy.

The only real value that this nap has is the fact that it is designed to make a long trip much shorter. This has some effect on the disposition of the napper, making them slightly more pleasant to be around at the end of the journey.
Mainly used on buses and planes, there is also a car variant of this; however, attempting to nap in a car is most likely going to be inefficient as whoever drives will wake you at regular intervals out of jealousy.

The Power Nap

This is a very strange nap type because it defies science. Our best and brightest minds have been dispatched to study a very limited number of issues. We have managed to solve the floppy penis problem, so that was a win. What we haven't been able to do is harness the power of this nap and bottle it.

Science tells us that you need to reach REM sleep in order to feel truly rested. Yet, the power nap flies in the face of this knowledge.

A power nap is a short nap between 20 minutes and a half an hour. Technically this is not enough time to reach REM sleep, even if you are dreaming about overrated alternative bands. Because of this, one would assume that the power nap is a terrible idea. This is not so. The power nap can be incredibly rewarding to experience.

The best way to accomplish a power nap is to do it when you know something is going to wake you up in a half hour. When you know you have a task to perform upon waking this Nap is great for short bursts of energy. You wake up slightly refreshed, and then don't have time to think about it. Your brain immediately goes in to survival mode and kicks out the jams. You are alive and running around, and everything is great.

The only downside is that this nap is much like that fabled sugar high. You get a few quick hours of energy, but then you crash real freaking hard. While there is nothing like the rush of a power nap, there is also nothing so terrible as the crash that happens later. Your body simply shuts down and you will loose the ability to think.

This nap is only recommended for professional nappers who can handle their high.

Emergency Nap

This is the unintended nap. It is the result of working too hard or playing too hard. Thousands of people have fallen asleep at their desks for thousands of reasons, but the most common reason is boohugging (HA I managed to get it in there!).

This is essentially spending all night talking to the opposite sex until you pass out at the keyboard.

This is your brain shutting down to protect you. This may result in injury, or an embarrassing imprint on your face of a keyboard or desk blotter.

While this is unintentional napping, it tends to have a high reward when you wake. Generally people will feel relaxed and rejuvenated post nap, which all the better for continued boohugging.

The Drool Nap

This is truly the nap our scientists should be trying to figure out. If we could combine the power nap with the drool nap we would be able to rule the galaxy. I honestly think that if Darth Vader had been trying to learn these secrets rather than those of sith alchemy, Luke would have joined him, and we would have far fewer muppets to deal with today.

Drool napping is unpredictable, and it is nearly impossible to force. It can happen during any type of nap at any time. It transforms an ordinary nap into the most transformative experience an individual can have.

Waking from this state is so powerful you are disoriented at first. As understanding dawns, you will slowly wipe the drool from your face with the back of your hand. At first you will be a bit sickened by it, and then more so when you see the wet spot on whatever surface your face was resting. After the initial shock wears off you will realise you are now fully rested, and you had the strangest dreams....

This is the Nirvana of napping and can only be reached by repeated practice, or by getting lucky.

When it happens, rejoice in it, for there are those in this world who may never achieve such lofty heights.



A few things you should know about napping properly:

1. It is rarely, if ever recommended to nap in your own bed. This has the danger of turning from nap to legitimate sleep cycle. It will ruin you for days and have the opposite effect of what you intended.
2. It is usually recommended to have some type of noise in the background. Television and radio work well for this, and I personally recommend some type of sports programming. Sports related naps can have a wondrous effect on you, and it may allow you to convince your significant other to watch with you. The only caveat is that volume is a fickle mistress. Sports programs tend to get loud near the end, so be careful. Always set the volume low.
3. Do not set mechanical alarms. It is far too much like waking up in the morning and your body won`t understand and will just think you didn`t get enough sleep. Use humans to wake you, or hope you wake on your own.
4. Never complain about someone snoring during a nap, that is what they are for.
5. If you nap through it, it wasn`t important and it is just the universes way of telling you you shouldn`t have done it. Stop worrying.
6. I am going to stop and go take a nap now.