The Thing We Feared

I have fought myself on this blog entry a few times so far. I am in a weird headspace where I have a real issue with words.

Have you ever had something to say, but not the words to say it?

That is exactly where I am right now. I have something I really really want to say. I have absolutely no idea how to say it. But there is something much much worse than that. I have no idea whether or not I should say it.

I have long maintained that I am not the kind of person that lives in fear. Anyone who knows me, this is a complete lie.

Sure, I am not the least bit afraid of actually dieing or of any man on the planet. The thing I think about is that no one can take anything away from me that I cannot afford to loose, so I do not fear violance. I have spent so much time immersed in it that it no longer holds any place in my head that I cannot control. I think it is because once you have felt pain, you know what it can be, you know how bad things can get, so you tend to fear it less. As soon as you define something, you put parameters on it. Once you have a handle on what the worst is, you know what you can handle or take.

In case you are wondering, the worst pain in the world for me has been my head. Close second though was tooth pain.

There is pain I am afraid of. But I will not say what it is...at least not in easy to understand words. Yep, I am gonna write in code. Good luck deciphering it.

I fear emtipness. The reason I have avoided death is because I am afraid of nothingness. This is the exact reason why I am log jammed right now.

I am afraid of that void in your heart where someone usedd to reside.

I have felt every type of loss you could ever describe or quantify. I know what pain hurts the most in regards to empty. When you loose a piece of your heart you cannot replace it.

Like all people, I yearn to fill my heart with the presence of another. Some of us hide it, or pretend it is of less importance than it is.

I met two people today who brought this in to sharp focus.

The first is a young man who just broke up with his long time girlfriend. They have a child together and he is now in a lot of pain. He is a balls out kind of guy, so of course he is not claiming to be in any kind of pain. In fact he is the oposite. He claims to be enjoying one of his roommates, in the bibical sense. He is proud of being an asshole right now. He is doing this from a center of pain.

The other person I met today is me, 10 years ago. He is infatuated with a young lady. He is her friend, and he loves her. He is just a nice guy, but he couldn't close the deal. This was because of the fear. He did not want to feel the loss so he avoided it, until it was too late, and now, as I type this, the poor guy is having the talk. He is sitting down with her and explaining his position.

I know I said this is the me of 10 years ago, but that isn't true. I just did this a year ago. And I am doing it now.

There is so much I have to say, but I do not have to words. I am scared. I am in fear for my heart. In part I am feeling on the edge, like I can't take any more pain.

I wonder why we put ourselves in these places where we can be hurt. The only thing that can hurt you is something that you let hurt you. In a sense, only someone you let in can actually do any damage to you. If you do not care, then there can be no pain or loss.

Anyway, I am no longer sure what my point was. It had something to do with being a pansy ass scaredy cat. I have been down this road before, but this time feels different. Something has changed, but I am not sure what is different. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am confident, maybe I am insane, but something is different and I want to take a chance, but fear is giving me romantic block and that is not good.

Someway, some how, I need to say these things. Then I need to adjust my friend's list and see how it goes.

I just wish I knew if I was on to something, or I was just crazy.