Kiss Off

Many people believe it is grossly unhealthy to suppress anger and resentment. I agree with them. Maybe it is because if I was less fat and better looking I would be at hedonism right now, I am not sure. I tend to want to feel and experience great swaths of emotions and experience, well, everything.

I remember a T-Shirt I once had, it said: "To taste the flavour of life, you must take big bites. Moderation is for monks."

Because I am me, I always wondered why I was given this t-shirt. What was the person trying to say to me? I do that a little too much, but it is a fun exercise, though the dsm would classify it as excessive rumination and imply it is unhealthy. The message wasn't as clear as say, the tshirt I got from my ex in laws, you know, the one that just simply said, psycho path on it. That one was pretty straight forward and required little to no ruminating.

I bring this up because Christmas is around the corner and that means it is time for gifts.

As you can see, I firmly, and neurotically believe gifts say more about the giver than the receiver. Well, at least from the aspect of what the giver thinks of the receiver.

To that end, I wish to give a simple gift, and purge myself of deterious emotions. Because I am trying very hard to post once a day, as something to do, and a forum for practicing brain gymnastics, I will present this present presently.

The thought of your face makes me angry. I am not sure why, but I am angry with you. So angry I want to shout at you.

I want to yell nasty things to you. I want to tell you to fuck off and die. I want to tell you that I hate everything about you.

You are kinda dumb. I know, I know, you are shocked by this. You think you are smart and capable, but really, your just a fool. Your ideas are simple, you can't even express them because you lack the vocabulary to even do that much. You are always shocked at everything that happens because you lack the intellect to suss out even the simplest prognostication. You lack the capacity to understand cause and effect.

You never consider anyone other than yourself. Oh no, you aren't crazy, you are just a narcissist. If it isn't happening to you, then it probably isn't happening. The world around you serve your own interest and when that interest is lost, you reject everything. You can't seem to last very long doing much because people annoy you. Here's why: They do not live to serve you. They have their own shit going o and can't always defer to your whims.

Let me assure you, the world does not revolve around you. You are not the center of everything.

You are a stuck up, self centered, uncaring bitch.

I have absolutely no idea why I liked you, but please be advised, I am giving you notice. I despise you and everything you stand for.

It's funny to me know how you use people and then get pissed when they want something in return. Things you are unwilling to give. You expect others to lavish you with attention and succor, but when it comes time to return the favour you are incapable of doing so.

It is laughable to see how you manage things in to the ground and then come out of it with a smile because others have cleaned up your mess.

You watch them crash against your breakwater in waves for sport, never reaching out a helping hand, always expecting them to fulfill their promises, even when they just want your head on a stick.

Hammer smash face.

Hulk angry.

You're so vein, you probably think this message is about you. Truth is, I doubt you are even reading it. Even if you do, your fear will get the better of you. You fear what is inside you even more than I fear what is inside of me, and so you run from the confrontation. You shouldn't. There is no closure that way, just more of the same bullshit.

There, I feel better now. The sad fact is, since I can't get you this for Christmas, I am going to have to settle for a sweater or some sweat socks. Maybe a wallet or a watch. I could get you something pretty, or give you a piece of my soul, but in the end you would just say you are uncomfortable and walk away.

The problem is not the walking away, the trouble arises when you walk back, expecting things to be different, shocked when they are the same.

Merry ho ho to you and me.


In case you are wondering, yeah I hate myself for this Christmas related post in early November, but i have issues with delayed gratification, so I present it to the world now.

I wonder what will happen. I wonder if people will think this is fiction or non fiction. I wonder if people will stop....or start reading me more because I seem crazy.




OK, truth time, this was just a minor purge of emotion. I am writing the next part of the dreaming piece and my head was stuck in the wrong emotional framework. I am writing about fear and anxiety, not anger and frustration. I firmly believe that a writer writes best when they connect with and feel the emotion of the piece they are writing. When stuck in a different head space or heart space it can lead to some sad examples of work. I wouldn't read too much in to this, it is merely a way to set the record straight on something.

Truth is, we all have these feelings from time to time. We care about someone, but something happens to make us upset. We want to spew bile all over them. This is just a slightly healthier way of doing it without directly confronting the person, who probably isn't this bad, and probably doesn't deserve it. Bottling these feelings up is what causes domestic violence and other stupid behaviours.

Not being able to express yourself, not being able to put it out there on front street is harmful to yourself and others.

What I have written isn't honestly how I feel about the person, just an expression of my frustration. My feelings like there is unfinished business, like too much has been left unsaid because saying things is hard.

Sorry for the journal entry today, but it was necessary in order to keep my promise of part 3 later today.

Maybe you can learn something from this. Maybe you can learn that keeping it all inside is unhealthy, even if the alternative scares you. Even if expressing yourself seems like a frightening proposition, like an uncomfortable situation made worse by inner turmoil over indecision.

The world doesn't have to be a scary place, and you don't have to hide from your feelings and thoughts. You just need to find a way to express them.

Venue and audience is the key. The fat man whom I worship goes on and on about how when they write about him doing a show they always say, he played before an audience of his loyal fan base. Kevin always says, well of course they are my fucking fans. Who goes to see someone they don't like? This is so true. I am not likely to buy a ticket to go see carrot top, because I find him annoying. I am likely to purchase a ticket to Kevin's shows. That is what being a fan is about. He plays to his audience in venues that they can afford.

This is the same theory behind expressing yourself. Play before the right audience in the right venue. Make sure your audience is supportive and cares enough about your act to want to be there and hear it. Make sure the place is right and they are in the right frame of mind to hear you.

When you have that, then you cannot fail, nothing can go wrong, even if the outcome is not ideal. You will always get a standing o, even if it means they are walking out the door.

Playing it safe is not hiding and not performing, playing it safe is knowing who you are performing for. Don't be afraid to perform.