Mea Culpa.

So, I have emberrassed myself greatly this week. One of the major drawbacks of trying to be a better angel is that I like to be open and communicate with the world. This blog is part fun, part fiction, part education, part sounding board, part soap box, and part therapy journal.

This past week I used it to lay my heart bare all over the internet. In a way, this is a major breakthru for me. I have, in the past been very guarded about me. I have said somethings, eluded to others. But I have never really laid my whole being on the line for others to read and judge.

For those wondering, the person I wrote all those nice things about rejected me. Yes, it broke my heart just a little bit. To be fair, it was expected, and we have done this dance before. I doubt we will be doing the dance again. I am giving up on her. I have to for my own sake. Some people think she is using me, toying with me. Some people think she is manipulating my emotions for her own sick pleasure. I would like to believe this is untrue. I would like to believe that for once I put my trust in someone and they didn't break that trust.


So, I spent much of my week spinning around in a haze. This led me to make a fool of myself, both in real life and in virtual land. I am truly sorry I melted down in front of you, it is so...undignified.

So, internet, I am sorry baby. I didn't mean it. You are still the one for me, please don't be mad.

So, sorry again for spewing my sadness and anger all over you and making you watch my train wreck.

In a sense it was good for me to do it though. It reminded me of something. I am better than this. Sometimes my self esteem is as fragile as anyone's and I can get down on myself and let things like this leak out in to the world.

Frankly, I am not half as bad as I came across this week, nor am I as bad as I think I am. When I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am smart and funny. As much as I like to hate people, I also love them. I want to help them. These are the things that make me a good person.

I care and am loyal and I am smart and I am funny. If some people don't want that, so be it.

Somedays I just like to smile and nod at chicks who continually walk the path of abuse. They go out with peoiple who make them feel small. Make them feel bad about who they are, then toss them when they are dried up and used to the fullest. It is people like me who pick them back up, dust them off and get them prepped for the next douche. If they can't see the value in people like me, it is their own short sighted blundering.
I am speaking of more than one person, in fact, I am speaking of a half dozen women I have met in the last few years. All of whom passed on what I had to offer the,. So be it.

In the end, I will always have you internet, and if you will take me back, you will always have me. I will be here to make you laugh, to make you smile, to make you think, to pick you up when you fall down, to make you feel better about yourself, to drive you crazy, and to just sit and pass the time with.




yeah yeah, quick post, no editing again. I will be back tomorrow with a real post and such, I will even run spell checker.