Solid State Dreams

I have finally figured out what is wrong with me.

I'll give you a minute to recover from your laughing fit over jokes you just made at my expense while I am attempting to pour my heart out to you on the internets.

All better?

Great, let's move on.

At first glance one might say trauma. That's bullshit. Emotionally speaking, I put trauma in its rightful place and am not really phased by that sort of thing, in fact I don't think I have been phasedd by it in some time. Any douche who says being able to shut of emotionally when bad stuff is going down is a tool. Here's why.

There are many different types of people in this world who deal with many different types of things. Some handle stress and pressure weell, some do not. The same thing that causes a firefighter to run in to a building that everyone else is running out of, is the same thing that causes a police officer to walk in to a domestic disturbance, is the same thing that makes an ER doctor calm enough to save a life. It is the same thing that allows me to be who I am in times of stress and or pressure.

It is an asset.

These people are not insane, nor do they not care about others. Far from it. They actually do what they do because they care....or because they are stupid. Either way, I would be glad to be compared to that kind of stupid.

So trauma is a joke to me. Can't be that.

Some say guilt. I have tried to make that the issue. Guilt over what I have done, who I have been. It never felt, smelled, tasted, sounded right. It may look like the right thing to be, but it really isn't. Sometimes, you play the hand you are dealt. It is easy for a person to never be faced with tough decisions to think I made the wrong ones. It is easy to judge and to put value on certain cultural situations when you have never been faced with them.

I did the best I could with what I had. I never hurt anyone who didn't choose to be hurt. That may seem odd to you, but it is, in a sense true. Our decisions help to define where we are at any given time. If we choose to harm others, choose to be a bad person, and bad stuff happens, then we in fact choose to put ourselves in a situation where bad things can happen.

I know this is partly justification, but in the end, we all do what we need to get by, and sometimes the world isn't perfect. I am not now, nor have I ever been a bad person.

I have made bad decisions, mistakenly hurt people I care about, but never out of being a bad person, and never out of a desire to inflict pain on anyone.

I have some minor shame over some of the people I have hurt. That is not cripiling guilt, and if they can forgive me, so can I.

Ok, so not guilt, not trauma. That leaves fear.

People do things out of fear all the time. They also don't do things. We all have fears, and I am not exception. I learned long ago not to let them drive me, but that is a lie we all tell ourselves. There is one fear I cannot master, and that is the fear of failure. Sometimes, it keeps me from doing stuff, but not all the time, and I have rarely failed at that which I try for. That really isn't the problem.

The real problem is that I never dare to dream. I have no dreams. No great desires.

I have wants and needs like any other human being, but nothing that drives me forward in a manner that befits a human.

I think this is true of far too many of us. We rarely set the bar high enugh, and then work ourselves to get there. We become complacent and sedddentary in our lives simply because it is easier.

I have never really had any dreams since I was 16. I remember clearly the day I decided I weould be on the radio. My best friend Ian and I devised the plan. We were idiots. We figured we could just start one, no problem. We were very wrong.

I eventually made it on the radio. I wanted to do play by play for sports. I did this. In fact, the name Chris Parker will be forever remembered in the annals of time as the first person to do colour for professional women's hockey on the radio.

That was the last time I had a dream.

I think it is time to dream again. I think we all need dreams. We need things to drive us forward, or we stagnate.

We all need things to strive towards and to achieve...or die trying.

That is what is missing in my life, no real dreams. Everything I desire is achieveable in my current state, or I can justify not getting because I am punishing myself because I am not worthy.

How many times have you said this to yourself? I do not deserve it, or I am not good enough.

Maybe I am the only one, but I doubt it. There are things out there, big things, nice things,, hapy things that we all deserve. We don't deserve them because we were born in to it, but because we work to get them.

I told a friend today she could have all of her dreams come true if she just figured out what they were. The same is true of all of us.

You can have more than you have now. You do not need to settle. You do not have to go at this half assed, and neither do I.

I think it is time for me to dream, and more importantly time for me to really go get those dreams.

Now if I could only figure out what to dream about.....