You, Me and Decree.

I find it rather interesting that more than one person has given me the advice that I just need to be me. Be yourself monkey man, and the world will be yours. This is such a load of BS it makes me feel like Cartman's mom.

No one, ever, wants you to be you, it interferes with them being them. In all honesty, being me makes every woman on the planet want to be my friend. I do not need any more friends. I don't like half the ones I have now, and the other half don't get treated half as well as they should because I am so busy with the half I want to beat about the head and neck with a baseball bat.

Think about it. People are jerks. We are all selfish, and we are all more animal than we would like to admit. Everyone likes to point to the UCLA study that had half a psychology class pretend to be convicts and the other half prison guards. Unsupervisedd, after only a few short days, the guards turned insane and began torturing their classmates. This is people being them.

Sure, these are average people, but the world is full of average people. Despite what they might think, I have met very few above average people. I know a handful, maybe 3-4 above average people. The rest of them are depressingly average, even if they think they are not.

Dating, at least the attraction process of it is about putting your best foot forward. It is sort of like people who dress up for church. God doesn't care what you wear, or anything of the sort, but you had better look good for the neighbours. The same thing is true of attraction stage dating. You are supposed to be on your best behaviour.

Sure, no one suggests that you should lie, but you certainly need to behave in specific way. Why do you think first dates are so stressful? Not because of the pressure to be charming, but because of the pressure to edit everything you do or say.

I think it is ridiculous to think that you can attract a person merely by being yourself. Yourself is selfish. Yourself talks with their mouthful, yourself grunts at the wrong time. Yourself farts. Yourself sometimes would rather be somewhere else.

It seems interesting to me that people think they are being themselves. The same people who pretend to be things they aren't. They lie to themselves. They fake enjoyment of things to please other people. They pretend to like their coworkers.

All these fake people think I need to be myself.

Of course, that advice is harder to follow when you have no idea who you are. We all fake it to make it. We all pretend to be things, pretend to like things. Some of us try so hard to fit in that we forgot who we are.

That is where I find myself. I have beem faking it so long I am not sure who I really am. I have pretended to be so much that the real me has fallen away and I have either become who I pretend to be, or I have zero identity.

This got me thinking how do you find your own identity.

To that end, I am going to examine some identities this week and see if any of them fit.

First off, I think I should be gay. I am terrible with women, you know, unbless I want to just be friends. I think this means I am gay. A legion of females who want to be my friend and are so comfortable around me they can talk about anything, and make me feel like a tool. Ok so Imight be gay.

It would be so easy for me to just start being gay.

Of course, while I love sausage I am just not a fan of giving head. I don't want those things in my mouth.

Ok, I can be a pitcher.

I am beefy and angry, I can be a bear. Yes, I can be a selfish top bear. According to the fat man's large gay friend Malcolm, it is simple to get laid as a bear. This would make me happy.

I guess I can be a big gay bear.

My most meaningful relationships in the last few years of been solely with men. Ian, Darryl, Jay. All guys. My female relationships have been ripe with annoying behaviours, dissapointment, rejection and all the other lovely things we all hope and dream for.

Apparently I am in to dudes. I get along with them, and they never dissapoint me.

Maybe I am a big gay bear man lover.

Wouldn't it be great if the christians were right and the world worked this way. Of course, it doesn't work this way.

I love women. Men are rough, and bumpy, and smelly. Women are soft and rounded and smell amazing. Men are mostly idiots, women are kind and seem to be interesting to me. I do not like outies, men are outies.

Short, tall, fat, skinny, blonde, red head, brunette, white, black, chinese, native, they are all attractive. I find myself in general appreciation of most women I see. This isn't going well. It would appear that despite the fact women only want me as their gay friend, I am unfailingly in to them, and apart from a very select few, I can't stand dudes. Ther majority of them think only of eating, fucking and drinking.

Ok, identity check number 1. I am flamingly heterosexual.

Ok, I guess tomorrow I will try and be something else.

Anger is a gift

Emotion drives the world and this is a truth no one can deny, even robots. Let's face it, every robot I can think of has been driven by emotion unwanted.

Data, totally emotional dude who stove to find them damn emotions wherever he could.

Robot from I, Robot, the only robot in the movie with emotions. Uh oh! All of the sudden 3 rules safe means jack!

AI, overly emotional, even for the I see dead people boy.

I could go on but I think I have established my geek bona fides on this issue.

For the last several nights I have been listening to Coast to Coast. If you don't know what this is, let me enlighten you. It is a radio program devoted to paranoid schizophrenia. I am not kidding. It is a show all about aliens, the Illuminati, small demons invading our breakfast cereal and all other manner of conspiracies Barack Obama is hiding from the world.

So, I, a totally normal free thinking rational human being has been listening to this show...I am doing this right now and as I am writing I just heard the line, "and they don't want you talking..." yeah dude, that is exactly why he is on an internationally syndicated radio program with hundreds of affiliates worldwide, because they are scared of him talking! Where was I? Ok so this much sane brain of mine has been listening to the rabble rousing of various dissidents and now I am angry.

I am not angry about the fact the world is going to end Thursday, or that the military industrial complex is keeping us all under their thumb by putting Prozac in our potatoes, no sir and or ma'am, I can handle the aliens in their strange attempt to understand humanity by continually ramming strange objects into our rectums, I can handle the fact that George Lucas is a historian and not just a horrible filmmaker. Here's what I can't handle.

My life.

I think that some sort of insidious smokey back room filled with old white men conspiracy group is trying to keep me down.

Seriously.

No really, get back here!

Ok so this is what the heck I mean. I am stuck in a feedback loop. I am guilted in to doing things I do not want to do, being places I do not want to be, and feeling things I do not want to feel.

Going in to a place every day to get abused and used for no remuneration is bad enough, but now I am being made to feel guilty about it. But wait there's more.

For some reason I am expected to be the one to initiate all communication. It is true. I have tested this theory out over the last week and found out I am one of those people that is out of sight out of mind.

Ok whatever. But now I am made to feel guilty for liking people, who seem pleasently nice to me. I am guilted in to feeling bad about liking other people who may be unhealthy for me because of history and other unnatural acts of mental cruelty to myself.

And I can come to only one conclusion in order to remain confident in my ability not to become a raving lunatic on the radio.

The cirgarette smoking man wants me silenced. He wants me second guessing my actions and feelings. He wants me worried in to inaction. The cigarette smoking man wants me browbeaten and confused.

You see it has to be the cigarette smoking man, because if isn't that dude and his croanies, well then it can only be one other person.....me!

So instead of taking personal responsibility for my position and working on fixing it, or making my position known, I am going to sink my inconsiderable resources into fighting the power. Please feed my dillusion and join my battle. Together we can strike a blow for insanity and lack of self discipline. You and I can take the man down! And then I don't know, we can hang out and get a latte, or perhaps train some robots to feel.