Break It Down

Let me begin by apologizing for the interruption of the regularly scheduled broadcast. Many writers I know would have slogged through their current head space and churned out second rate product. I am not that guy.... anymore. I used to be that guy when I wrote for radio and television. It never mattered if I was in to this weeks lawyer's suck skit, I had to write it, and write it I did.

Now I have a bit more luxury since I am the head of this venture. I can do what I want, and today I do not feel classy, sophisticated or mature.

Some might say that is the perfect mindset for my type of writing, and those people would be correct. I score a certain level of hit with my juvenile sense of humour. Boobies. And it provides me with smelly farts and a comfortable warm feeling (haha) that someone, somewhere finds me the slightest bit entertaining, but it is cold comfort to me right now.

The problem with my head space is that it is not what you would call a happy go lucky immature rambling combines with eye opening pseudo spirituality place. It is more the self punishing, you're no good because you are old and still acting like a child sort of mind scape.






Next week I turn old. Very Old. Ridiculously old. It is not just one of those fake old numbers that people look at and go aha! yer old, here's your old guy mug, you' geezer hat and have a happy birthday. This one is for realz.

I turn 35.

I can't believe I just admitted that out loud and on the internets. There it is kids, I am old and there is no turning back or denying it.





There are such things as desired demographics. Generally speaking the 18-34 demographic is wanted because they are impressionable and have tons of disposable cash. They are also trendy and hip. They are the ones people think are cool because they are young, beautiful and influential among their peer group. These people are in to the pop musics and the rock and or roll thing. They have ideas and are go getters. They have energy, they have youth and they have balls.

In one week I go from that to being old.

The next demographic is called 35 to dead of natural causes. This new demographic is for people who are old and set in their ways. All of the sudden they listen to new country and Celine Dion. They have little spare time, even less energy and never seem to come up with anything new. These people are considered lucrative because they buy the big ticket items, but otherwise no one gives a crap what they think other than politicians since these are the people who vote. Yes that's right kids, these people are the reason politics is the way they are.... so that's cool right?

I am about to join people who are marking time towards their doom. I am about to become the old guy.

I can no longer feel good about listening to rock music. Breaking Benjamin does not make me cool, it makes me the old guy who tries to look cool.

I have to stop watching The Daily Show because it is for younger people who are cutting edge thinkers. The Colbert Report too.

Here's the thing that is troubling me. As an old dude, I am a failure. I am not set in my ways, I do not have a job that is going to provide for my retirement. I do not have savings or a portfolio.

I have no assets or prospects.

I am merely an old overweight fool who pines for shit he cannot have.

Here's where I get all sad about this writing thing. I am the guy who has always dreamed, like all young people do. I have dreamed of being a writer and making a difference. I have dreamed of helping people get clean. I have dreamed of helping kids escape their destinies and find new paths.

I have dreamed these dreams of the young, and I am still dreaming because something keeps me from grabbing that brass ring.

Over a week ago I wrote a glowing email about my writing and why literary agents should pick me up and shop my brainchildren around. It is full of grandeur, insight and persuasive salesmanship.

I did not hit send.

I cannot hit send.

I am afraid to hit send.

Now I am afraid I am about to become old without a single dream coming true.

There was a time in my life, actually three times in my life, when I never thought I would make it to old. The first time was when I was underneath a park bench. You can read about that here. The second time was when I was all strung out and completely messed up on the drugs. You can read about that here. The final time was when I was misdiagnosed as having liver damage that was going to kill me before I was 35. Clearly, unless I suddenly drop dead (which according to my biofeedback after having tried jogging today may happen) in the next week was incorrect.

I have never thought about the future because the future was never going to happen. Who cares about the future when there is a here and now to live in.

I am thinking that there might be a future. If I have survived this long there is little reason to think it is not going to continue. Apart from the actual problem with my liver, which is easily controlled by diet, I am ridiculously healthy. Despite all the crap I did to my body, and I did a lot of crap, I have a strong healthy heart and lungs that can oxygenate my blood like a damn athlete. I kid you not. I am a large dude with the blood pressure of a damn vegan marathon runner.

My body has betrayed me.

My body has conspired to keep me alive until the future happened.

I am reminded of a song in which the lyric goes, "teenage angst has paid off well/now I'm bored and old." I will give you three guesses as to who wrote that line.

What really sucks is that I am starting to gain some traction in this whole thing, but I can't keep up the happy exterior. I am hitting a breakdown. I am hitting that wall of looking back at what I have done and not being pleased. Then I look to my left and right and don't see what I want. I look forward and it is all a blur, nothing coming in to focus because I am lacking confidence and direction.

I want to be able to write funny. I want to be able to entertain you today, but I would have to wear clown make up to do it, and nobody likes clowns, not even clowns.

So here I am, laying bare to you the situation. I am old. I am not cool. I am sincere. I am trying hard to get somewhere but cock blocking myself. I am lonely. I am bored. I have a million dollar brain with a ten cent self esteem.

I wish I could blame someone for the fact that I am old, but really there is no one to blame but myself. I let this happen. I slacked on the drinking and drugs. I started eating actual food. I started living a normal life. I started exercising for crying out loud.

I am to blame for being old.

Sheesh no I am mad at me.

I guess there is nothing left to do but make some damn lemonade.

Oh good, old people like lemonade.

Hate Tastes Like Victory?

Note: This is going to seem much more like a position paper than a blog entry. This is also the internet so I am going to spice it up with some multi media, a few musical interludes and a you tube or two. BTW, I also learned how to do html coding so that the links either open a new browser window or tab depending on your browser settings, so feel free to click away without losing your place in my wonderful soapbox sandbox.


There are a few issues which really get my motor running, tee me up, and make me get out a pen and write up a list (nsfw). Those issues, in no particular order are, abuse of women and children, the dh rule, and racism.

There are many reasons for racism, and I will touch on some of them, but what I really want to speak about is how far off the path we have strayed.

There is a theory in social psychology that talks about in groups and out groups. We strive like hell to become a part of the in group, and once there, fight to stay. We develop mores, and expected behaviours.

Many philosophers, psychic bunny rabbits, and holy rollers believe that human beings have this thing inside them that makes us strive to belong. In fact, strive may not be a strong enough word. We NEED to belong. We need families, peer groups, swinger circles, geekapolooza thursday nights at the local coffee shop. Some of us do the most ridiculous things in order to belong.




People will dress up in funny costumes, wear make up, and chant slogans just to belong to the in group. So I tend to agree that yeah, everyone has it coded in their dna somewhere that they need to belong; that without belonging life has little meaning.

Sometimes these are healthy groups, like say the boy scouts, and sometimes they are just evil and wrong, like say the Nazis.

The inescapable truth about belonging is that in order to belong, you need to not belong as well. In order not to belong, and to make you feel like you have chosen the right group to be a part of, you can do one of two things. Make your group stronger or make the other group weaker.

Here's another inescapable truth about human beings. We are friggin lazy. If you think pride is the route of all sin, I got one thing to say to you. This:




Sloth, laziness leads to us cutting corners in everything we do, that includes thinking. We develop schema just so things will be easier. In many respects, our eyesight is even based on memory instead of actually working. We see what we expect to see. I am sure many of you have taken that little reading test where the letter are all jumbled inside the words, and yet you were able to read it alright. This isn;t an example of the wondrous brain and how it can decode things, it is actually an example of how lazy the brain is. It sees what it expects to see and then makes things conform to those thoughts and ideas.

This is how we live our lives, and this is how we strengthen our groups. Not from the inside, but rather from the outside.

In a nutshell, what I am trying to get at is, groups use an external locus of control over the esteem of the group.

This can be harmless, or mostly so. Take for example the boy scouts. Here;s a little known fact about me, I was in the boy scouts....heck, I was super scout. Like always, when I actually get off my lazy ass, I do everything to the fullest. I actually achieved the highest honour in Canadian Scouting. I was the shit. I was also in Air Cadets. I know, geek rightÉ You try saying no to a hot 16 year old girl when you are 13 and she is saying, you wanna come hang out with me, learn self defense, shoot guns and learn to fly? Uhmmm no get away from me chick....yeah right. I signed up, immediately.

Anyway, the point to this trip down memory and mammary lane is that those two groups made fun of each other. When each found out I was a member of the other, they made it very hard on me. They would try everything to make me not want to belong to the other group. They did this instead of extolling the virtues of their own group. One would say the other is mean, and one would say the other was a bunch of pansies.

Sure, they could have just felt safe in that I belonged to the group and just tried to make my experience better in the group, but nah, that was a lot like work.

The problem arises when the outgroup hazing becomes destructive. Nothing bad has ever come out of projecting your fears and prejudices outward right?

Eventually it isn't enough just to denigrate.

What I am talking about is the difference between prejudice and discrimination.

Prejudice is unavoidable. We all have prejudices. We all feel things about other people and other groups. Some of it is based on fact, and some of it is based on stereotyping. Some of it is because of experience, and some of it is because we just want to feel better about ourselves.

Take the example of the NPR firing Juan Williams.

What this dude sad was that prejudice is a fact of life. Stereotyping is what we do. If you continue to listen to everything he said, you will notice he was saying it needs to stop at prejudice and not make it in to the realm of acting on it.

It is easy for us to say, when we see a muslim person we immediately get uneasy. It is much more difficult for us to examine the reasons why and to discuss how we can bridge that understanding with a little good old fashioned rethinking. It is also important to break the habit of acting on it. This is the crux of his position.

It was brave of him to admit his fear and prejudice.

It is a fear that has been reinforced time and again by north American media. It is a prejudice that we are fed constantly. To admit that you have fallen prey to this is not weakness, nor is it racism.

You see we all have prejudice, be it about the dirty bum on the streets, the guy who doesn't like star wars, or the muslim family that just moved in down the street. The difference comes when we decide how to act on it.

I mentioned Andre, and here's the thing. A group of douche bags decided that their group was put down and put upon by black people. They decided it would be good to rid the world of this scourge. Thus, they killed him, in front of me.

This was a mistake on their part because it led to me finding my own voice, and my own prejudice. It led to this attitude.



This is sort of like the epitome of what I am talking about when I say out group rage. An in group created out of anger and hate that devolves in to violence on both sides. Does it really matter if one group is righteous in their anger or not? The result is still the same.

So I think about a line from the good batman. It kind of sums up the idea that prejudice is in us, but what we do with it matters.




So in the end, we see that actions speak louder than words. Racism is about actively spreading hate. It is about actively seeking to destroy or weaken the out group. Racism is not about thinking someone is bad because of stereotypes.

I would love to be able to change the hearts and minds of everyone who has prejudice in this world for people based on ridiculous notions. I would like to be able to help people understand that in order to progress and become a more perfect society we need to shed all those things that cause fear and hatred to bring us down.

I can't. I can't make you see that people are just people. Some are good, some are bad. Some are white, some are black. Some believe in Jesus and some don't. I can't make you see the inherent value in all people....you know, until they prove themselves douches.

What I can do is change the way we act on these thoughts and feelings. We can all say it is not ok to mistreat people because of our feelings towards them, no matter what those feelings are.

We have come a long way since the caves, but there are still miles to go before we sleep.

We no longer club things over the head and drag them back to our cave when we want them. This is progress.

We still need to realise that we don't have to fight with each other to make the world a better place for our group. I am not sure what the perfect solution is, but carving out a niche for our group, being free to practice whatever strange rituals we wish to that do not harm others is a start. Not being mistreated because of this is essential.

You don't have to like me, or what I do, but that doesn't mean you should spread hatred for me. And it sure as shit doesn't mean we have to put up with that kind of behaviour.

Yet we do. We do it all the time. We ring our hands, shake our fists and say, wow that sucks big time, yet we do nothing to change it. We give acceptance that the behaviour is ok by not speaking out against it.

We hide from things we don't like because...wait for it....we are all lazy. We cannot sit idly by and let people spread hatred and fear, no matter why they are doing it.

We can accept in our hearts that people will always fear, distrust, and even sometimes hate the outgourp, but that doesn''t mean we have to sit by and let them do their thing, even if it isn't to our group.

We do each other a disservice when we don't act.

To paraphrase greatness, with free speech comes great responsibility.

We shouldn't make it so they can't say what they want. We need to make it so that they don't want to say what they want. Make them such an outgroup that they can't stand not to be in our group. The group of the sane, rational individual.

Join my group. The group of the normal average everyday person who is just trying to make their way in this world while trying not to hate on others.

Don't let hate or discrimination in to your group please.






Well that went to a different place than intended...so much for a position paper, though it did get a little technical. Oh well.

Mushy gushy

I don't want to bury today's original post, because it contains a wicked new philosophy I am going to try, as well as a challenge to all of you to face your true selves and stop hiding from stuff, but I am just motivated to speak out, so more on that other thing tomorrow.

On a day where a douchebag threatens to kill me, and some crazy psycho threatens me with a toaster oven....really, what are you going to do, bake some tastey cakes and then refuse to share? I can't help but be amazed by humanity.

Oh sure, we can be nasty to each other. I watched a guy push his girlfriend and call his mother the c word. His mother.

I watched a group of people pull of a miracle today. I know we toss about miracle willy nilly, but let's face it, a human miracle is succeeding against all odds. A human miracle happens when we as seperate people put aside politics, selfishness, greed and ridiculous hats to do something to save others.

Watching the rescue live on the internet taught me something about humanity. There is little we can't do when we put our effort in to it and work together.

A while back, some smart people decided to make the internet. Then they used it for evil world domination and price fixing, or whatever it is the cia does.

Then some smarter people, or one person named Al, depending on your view of history, decided this can be a force for good....and porn.

Flash forward to today, where some lazy no good canadian can sit on his ass eating bon bons and watching something priceless happen...no the megan fox porn tape has not been released yet. I am talking about the rescued miners.

I am reasonably sure someone has said it better than me, but I am still going to say it anyway.

When those miners were first trapped, I am sure they never thought they would make it out. Ther persevered.

When the families of the trapped miners first heard, I am sure their fear was overwhelming, but they kept hope alive.

When politicians heard they came up with some plan to curry political favour.

When CNN heard they thanked god for providing them with something to do besides retweet the opinions of the common folk.

Then, smart people got involved.

Several smart people from several countries.

They came up with a plan. A daring new plan. They came up with some new equipment. They gave time and effort and were rewarded for that.

So were the miners and their families.

Today we all saw, through the magic and wonder of technology that can be used for great good in this world, a tremendous life affirming event.

We saw people come together, and ignore their differences to save lives.

We saw hope restored and rewarded, and we saw a miracle of humanioty.

I am so glad this happened, and had a happy ending.

I am so dissapointed that tomorrow, the same people and technology that brought us this wonder are going to return to business as usual; dividing us and bringing us hate and bigotry.

Maybe these truly positive stories are few and far between, but I don't think so. I just thing fear and our desire to be better than our equals drives us to desire hate and anger and outrage.

I for one am going to hold on to this little story, and try and remmeber the good that was done in Chile today. In the spirit of being authentic and true to myself and everyone around me, I am going to say, I was moved, and I hope it continues.

Also, I did not post this because of people with toaster ovens.

On the Shoulders of midgets on the shoulders of dwarves on the shoulders of men on the shoulders of half giants on the shoulders of giants.

Longest title ever! It will actually make sense, at least to my twisted world view at a certain point in my meanderings.

So, what is the monkey on about? He is on about creativity.....again. This time not just his own, but also that of every other paper tiger and moving picture hack. You see, there is nothing new anymore. This is a tragedy. Even I must steal from me in order to complete my latest assignment.

That assignment is instructing you on the sadness of the creative world.

I recently had a convoluted idea of a story, which in my head was greatness. It was going to change the way people saw the world. This idea was going to shape the generations that follow. It would be so profoundly mesmerizing interesting, creative and insightful that I would live off of it for the rest of my life.

This one idea would put food on my table, give me something to do and force others to worship me....you know not in that god way, but like they would any flavour of celebrity or minor deity of genius...or at least like Val Kilmer. This joke works because Val is a minor celebrity, and was in a movie called real genius...which btw is the third best movie ever made).

I had it all mapped out in my head. It had compelling characters, a gritty raw emotional feel that would be understood and felt by all. It had just the right amount of explosions and boobs...which is pretty much the hardest equation to accomplish. It could be said that Under Seige had either too little boob or too much explosion for example. My idea had emotional and spiritual attraction for the ladies, and knife fights for the dudes. It had no pirates either, gay or otherwise, though I imagine in my mind Johnny Depp would still want a part in the movie version because that guy knows genius.

I percolated on said idea for a few days, really shaping it and molding it in to the brilliant idea that would not only win me writing awards, but also an Oscar and the love of a good Megan fox. All was going well, until my muse/evil partner/hate filled midget/destroyer of fine dreams everywhere got involved.

I laid bare my plan for winning the hearts and minds of the masses, and this is what she said.

"Oh, so like lost, but in a bomb shelter."

For the 37th time, she broke my heart. I believe she now takes joy in it, as if it was a sport, or at least a hobby.

She also managed to put a small, angry, disaffected voice to my other thought. There is no creativity anymore.

I can Prove it.

CSIMINDSINTHENAVYORDEROFNUMBEREDBONES.
LOSTHEROESDURINGTHEEVENT.

I first noticed this trend of patheticism during the summer of discontent in which every movie was about some type of Ragnarok. Ben Affleck needed to save the world from a deep impact or some such nonsensical Armageddon.

I blogged about a similar phenomenon not too long ago in regards to GI Joe. It has only gotten worse.

Not only are people purchasing the rights to other stories, they are now simply rebooting dead movies.

I noticed this with Batman. It had been a whole series of movies, then it died. Then it was reborn with a new, grittier feel and a scary crazy actor.

This trend is continuing. They are going to continue to simply remake old movies. They are going to continue to remake television shows....there can be only one filler of the daisy dukes, and I do not care if she is a lesbian.

What is worse than all of those examples is the trend of noticing someone else`s success, and rather than using it to motivate you to reach for your own pot of gold, it drives you to envy, jealousy and desperate measure. It drives you to write the exact same story in a new location. It drives one to copy what others have done, set it in an exciting, exotic locale, slap your own name on it and resell it to people.

If you liked CSI, then you will love CSI Tahiti. Same great dead bodies, now with 60% more bikini clad women and speedo wearing six packs.

I get that there are true victims in all of this...besides the dulled minds of the masses, those victims are the barely creative wannabes like me.

Having never seen lost, I had no idea I was copying them. In that case, I could have continued with my idea and felt reasonable that I was being creative. Yet in the end, I would only be disappointed by the masses when they in fact paid me for my product; after all, we buy no name ketchup right? There must be some kind of math equation hollywood uses to determine the deteriorating return on a good idea.

AB-u=X
ab-u=Y
Repeat step 2.
When Y=0 search for A

A=new idea
B= Sales of new idea
U-Budget costs
X equals profit
a=retread
b= diminishing returns
u= ridiculously low production cost.
Y= reduced profit MArgin

That seems about right. Spend high at first, then reduce quality, dilute product until the masses no longer accept the product, then start over.

I fail to see the appeal in this. I fail to see why we should reward people for stealing other's ideas, repackaging them and giving them to us, even if it is at a reduced pricve...which it rarely is, or if it is, it is because quality is so pathetic.

Having said all of this, I think it matters to point out that Shakespeare stole all the good ideas anyway, so what are we left with?

Pretty much stuff that goes Boom or stuff that goes Bump.

To sum up, Shakespeare is a jerk, short people are mean, I am uncreative...accidentally, and I managed to make a Val Kilmer reference and a Paris Hilton reference in a single blog post. Now that takes creativity.

I saw a guy drown in a pool once....

I wanted to make some kind of long drawn out profound statement. I wanted to have great insight which someone else would find valuable, but in the end I just wrote what I wrote, as I am writing what I am writing.

I think we all have something inside us that makes us want to be remembered.Some for the great things they do, and some for the stupidity of their death, and some fore the amazing gifts they pocess. (Ha I bet you thought I was going to do This, but I have waaaay more class than that!)

No matter what the reason, I think people prefer to be remembered, or at least to feel like they will be remembered for something, anything.

To that end, I wanted to write something that people would remember. In the end I kind of only ended up writing this.

Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoy In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins; and in order to avoid a Bret Austin Ellis moment, let us just agree that I like Phil and move on,but I simply realise one inescapable fact. The remembrance of a piece will always be based on the interpretation of the piece.

So many people think that this song is about a guy drowning simply because he uses that term in the song. Hi, my name is metaphor. What this has done has taken a truly transcendent thought and sullied it with the mundane.

I think to a certain extent that is what happens to me. I sit here, or in this case lay here in bed hoping that I have a thought worth sharing, but in the end it is all up to the translation.

Somewhere between my fingers and your eyes my message will maybe be transformed from what I intended to say to what you want to hear. I am starting to like the idea. I really think that if I am to grow as a person I need to be less selfish about what I do and say. If I am going to share, I should probably be prepared for the ramifications of that. Most of the time, since I am neither profound nor esoteric, my message will be loud and clear. On those rare occasions where I manage to create something that means something to someone else, well that is truly when I have created art.

Thoughts are to be shared, chewed, rolled around, refreshed, tried, discarded, discovered again and planted in the sand.I must share, and be willing to have that sharing reciprocated. So say I.

Also, just in case one thinks they have created something special they should always keep in mind that eventually, someone else will do it better.

So today, well last night, I made a promise to myself, I said monkey man, tomorrow you are either going to wake up refreshed and a new person, a better person, or you are going to wake up dead. Either way, a brand new world awaits.

Well, since one of my roommates said hello to me, I am pretty sure I am alive... even if the signs seem to tell me otherwise (Hey that link is so not for the weak of heart. Maybe someday I will explain why a person such as me can enjoy that song, or maybe you will just accept that sometimes the abused, beaten, cowed followers of society have anger and need to break free of what they feel is oppression of their being in such a graphic fashion....wait uhmmm what did he say? Carrying on....)and that means I have to be better...or maybe I can be the same but you know, with a smile....

Anway, if you don't get the point then I am happy for you, it means that you have never felt the sting of self loathing, nor have you miss took hate for love or had a long journey to get to the point where you can imagine yourself happy.

Many a day a person like myself can find joy in little things, but far too often there is sadness in every rejection, no matter how mundane. If you cannot get this it means you are smarter than I am.

This all came about because Darryl who so often challenges me to be the better angel of my nature, tried to get me to read. In our discussion of a character that I found so similar yet so profoundly better than myself I found a reason to get out of bed, even if I didn't yet.

I challenge you to work on yourself everyday. Examine why you do what you do and make sure it is for the right reason. I nearly did a whole bunch of selfish things for the wrong reasons, but caught myself at the last moment. I did so because no measure of hardship can justify being mean to the only people who express caring for you. Oh well.

So if you remember nothing from this seemingly random and nonsensical post, remember this much, I too fail, but I too win.

You too fail but you too win.

I forgive me the fail, and applaud me the win.

I forgive you the fail, and applaud the win.

A new day beckons tomorrow, with brightness and a few clouds maybe, but the brightness is what matters.

Chicks, Girls, Gals, Broads, Ladies and women.

In a statement of what can only be called actual irony (yes I am looking at you Alanis) one of my closest friends informed me that I needed to "roll with a better class of female." This amuses me since at the time of this speech that friend was in fact a female....and to the best of my knowledge she intends to remain that way for the foreseeable future.

Personal attacks on Alanis aside (yes I intend to learn more html code, but before you get uppity, you might want to consider that the next thing I learn is embedding photos....and did you really want me to begin by embedding...teehee Alanis?) this is actually an important statement in life.

I have come to the conclusion that there are 6 types of females in this world (not including sisters, mothers, and aunts....let us just pretend for the sake of argument there are in fact no females we are related to ok...) and the list breaks down somewhat like this....and if I did it right there will be a photo example.

Chicks.




This type of female is characterized by a complete inability to make realistic life choices. They are usually attractive in a superficial way, or they have some sort of character that makes you want to be near them....right up until they say something really, really stupid...which will happen. They are completely self absorbed and will in fact behave in a manner that makes you scratch your head and wonder how they are not dead. In a relationship, which will be purely based on something superficial like money, fame, a nice hindquarters, whatever...they tend to wonder why the drunk guy they love to party with is banging six other chicks...all of whom will answer to the name baby. These are also the girls who take their tops off on video because it seemed like a good idea at the time and then wonder why people call them sluts. It is my learned opinion that unless you want one blissful evening of pumping away at a moaning near lifeless carcass, followed by 7-10 days of anti-biotics, these are the ones to avoid. You will know them by there smell...it precedes them by 5 minutes and cost more than 100 bucks, and it really doesn't turn you on.also, their laugh will clue you in...it is misplaced and always too loud and over the top. Also, if you are not HOT) they most likely won't talk to you, or they will treat you as if you are their gay friend. Unlike the movies though, this class of female never sobers up and realises they have loved you all along. Just run ok.

Girls



I hesitate to use the term immature to describe this class of female simply because most people will be thinking of chicks when I say that. These females simply haven't grown up yet. I don't mean that in the pleasant young at heart sort of way where a female can be all girls and cutesy. I mean the3se females are still playing house and dress-up, only with real people and real babies. This is in fact the kind of female who will poke a hole in a condom to get pregnant so you have to marry her and then build that dream life together. Here comes reality folks, steaming down the tracks....they almost never make good choices. One day they wake up and realise they are with an ass, but lacking adult sophistication they have no idea what to do. These are also the type who are dreamers and always waiting for the better thing. They are not willing to try anything that does not fit in to their perfect little dream world because it doesn't match the Norman Rockwell setting. This type will mature eventually and will realise what they really want; and more importantly that it can't be found in the bad boy drummer or the drunk frat boy, or the abusive stock broker; but this takes time, so you best have patience if you want to wait for this one to catch up. I once watched a dude wait two years for this one girl while she continually made hairbrained choices and went back to her ex and got hurt time and again, until he lost patience. The good news here is that girls are not as superficial as chicks, but you have to fit in to their fantasy or they won't give you the time of day, other than to use you to get their real needs of intimacy, friendship, safety, and security met. This can be very disheartening.

Gals



These are the world's most common type of female in a sense. You see they are the ones you meet and get along with and become friends with. They see you as a friend, and maybe you did too...at first. Then you realised the secret to life was....be friends first. Only one small problem. You live in Platonia. We all have this guy to thank for that. You see he was the first to walk up to a female and say, hey baby, why don't you and I go behind one of these pillars and philosophise. And the response was, I don't know, your beard is kinda scruffy and you've got an awful lot of sitting around on your backside thinking all day weight. I think it would be best if we just stayed friends. Now instead of saying whatever and moving on to the next female, that guy thought hey, maybe if I stick around she will eventually see how smart, funny, caring, and interesting I am. Heck I am this guy they will remember me forever as a cool dude, she'll have to see it eventually. And thus was born Platonic love. A sad desperate little dance where one female decides not to be mean and say hey, you are ugly to me, even though you possess every trait I say I want in a dude, so we just can't do it, they say, let's be friends. It never works out like that. In the movies you see they eventually realize they are truly meant for each other. As heartwarming as that is, it is not how it happens. What really happens is, dude is placed in friend hell, and one or the other begins to feel bad about the situation. Then one of them pushes the envelope once again because they have become real intimates...and the whole thing goes boom. This female is cool. She is friendly and she likes you because to her, you are completely non threatening. You are all the good things she wants but not in a package that intimidates her or makes her feel uncomfortable. You also might be crazy, but let's assume you aren't. for whatever reason she is not attracted to you so she treats you like a king. You have fun together and you can do things that would normally be hardcore flirting or even foreplay for crying out loud, but because you are buds it isn't for some reason. These are dangerous females. They will hurt you. Not intentionally mind you, 'cause hey they are just one of the guys right? Again...pain!


Broads.




These females are tough, no nonsense career oriented women. They say they do not want kids. They are obsessed with success. The only thing I can say about these females is to stay away from them at all times. Do not approach them. If they want something from you (and they will) they will tell you. Do not upset these females. They are capable of grinding you in to pulp. They are success and goal oriented so if your goals and their line up, they do make good partners, but there will be less emotion involved in your love making than in buying the Lexus.

Ladies.



These are unattainable females folks. They barely exist, and they do not hang out where you do. Ladies are prim and proper. They are experts in manners and sex...no kidding. These are females who are designed to please in every way. Sometimes gals can pretend to be ladies, and when women are in the mood, they easily become ladies, but as a species...or sub species, whatever, these females are a rare sight. Don't believe me? Google image search classy. Then try classy dame. Now count the number of women with half exposed bewbs and spray on tans. Now cry.

Women.



These are the rarest of all females....at least in the unattached variety. These are normal, sane, mature, caring, fun, etc etc females. 99% of them are martried or in a commited relationship. To find one "on the market" is next to impossible. Some scientists believe it is because they have been scared away. Others believe this is the evolved form of life that girls eventially become. Gals also become this, but not with you. Chciks will find it hard to reach this stage of life, and need a lot of help to get there. Broads consider these females beneath them, and Ladies consider them works in progress, but worthy of respect. Women are hard to find, but I am told they are out there. I see examples all the time. My friend Darryl found one, clubbed her over the head and now they are very happy.

I would say my friend was right, because looking back I would have to say, I have never been with (in any sense of the word) a lady or a woman. Hell I never even been propositioned by a broad....guess I just am not ambitious enough for that. All I haver ever done was seek girls, lust after chicks, and just plain be stupid over too many gals.

What a weird way to live huh?

Welcome to the Bungle

We got fun and games....sorry quick air guitar moment before I jump right in.

Today I wish to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart....bewbs. See what I did there? It's funny because I have man boobs.

Ok before you run away in disgust or remove all of your clothing...depending on how interested in this subject you are, I should say I am not going to be vulgar or pornographic, I am just using shocking speech to get your attention and make myself giggle like a school boy.

The uncomfortable truth is, like most men, I am lead around by a leash, and that leash is not being used properly. Somewhere along the way something got jumbled up, and instead of thinking with little jimmy, I am just being dragged around by my uhmmmmm prehensile tailbone...or something...look it up, I did, and it is kind of funny.

The thing with me is I have painted myself in to corners more times than I would like to recall. I have misread, misunderstood, mismanaged more relationships with women than I can even count...assuming I stopped learning to count past like 8.

There is one reason for this and one reason only.

I can't say no to a women.

I mean I really can't do it. When they ask me for my last dime, I give it. When they ask me to get them woman stuff, I do it, even if am not a blood relative or married to them (which by the way is like the man code for that sort of thing...common law applies). When they ask me to stay up all night holding their hand and making life better I do it. When they say jump I say....well on that one I usually feign an injury or just run away. Point is, no is rarely if ever in my vocabulary if there is a woman in sight.

I am not sure why I have trouble saying no to women, I just do. Some psychologists might call it a mommy thing but to them I say Luke Skywalker. Luke was all like mommy died, auntie raised me well, no worries....but then he couldn't say no. He said no to the darkside and all of it's force juice, but could he say no to his own sister....even when she wanted to make out? Ok bad example but still....This is so not going to be about wanting mom's approval, if I wanted that I would ask for it, or at least send her my report cards or something. crazy freudists aside, why would I have this problem? Is it a problem?

Yes.

See what this means is, I can be played, and I mean like some dude who made a deal with the devil plays the fiddle played.

It means I will do almost anything for womanly type love...or even bare acknowledgement. Ok, I can accept that but....when's gonna be my time?

When do I get mine. When do I, your humble monkey servant get to wet his beak (not dirty, it is a gangsta reference...gangsta like the godfather and goodfellas and stuff, not as in like gold chains and $3500 rims on a $1500 dollar hooptie).

I just wanna say that the more a person is used and then thrown away without reciprocal usement, the more likely a person grows bitter and tired of the game.

All I am really saying is man, I feel like a woman right now. I feel like all those women who date immature guys who use them for sex and money and rides (don't look at me like that, I can't drive) and Popsicles. I feel at one with the sisterhood of the stolen pants.

Alas, only at the end does he see what all woman kind has gone through to get where they are now. I am used for what little intellect I have, what meager succor and aid I can provide, and for self esteem building.I wonder why no one uses me for my body? You know I once had a girl tell me she couldn't date me because that is all it would be, just using me for sexual gratification....we lived together for six months after that....I wonder why she cheated on me and never appreciated my romance gestures....Ok this is no doctor Phil moment, this is Oprah baby, on to the united sisterhood front.

Ok so from this day forth, I pledge never ever ever to use another woman for my own gratification...well right after I use this one who is using me for my own, and my friend's entertainment...I pledge to never ever ever take for granted the woman and or her breast tissue again. I pledge to hold sacred the womanly virtues and never ever ever make fun of them...unless some dude is all girly...and only if he claims to be a macho man.... I also pledge to just be honest.

Now ladies, what the freak are you gonna do for me?












That's what I thought. See if I ever help you out again....Ok I will, but I will complain about it.

PS There is a vieweskew reference in there, you just have to look close...so far I have managed to get starwars and kevin in to every post... I am awesomesauce with cake and whatnot.